Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Random Things about Me- And calling out my readers ;)

I know you're out there....all what, four of you? None the less, I am so grateful to even have any readers at all and love that you ladies take time out of your busy days and lives to catch up on ME. So, here's my call out, I would like you to read this RANDOM post of things about me, and THEN let me know if you Identify with any. If so, which ones?  If NOT, please tell me one random thing about yourself, I want to get to know YOU better! Thanks! <3

1. I have an obsessive need to be where there is noise..I hate being in silence. Even when I'm upset I like to listen to music or something.

2. I love to look sexy, but not skanky. I like to dress up in lingerie and heels or a cute tank and boyshorts..it makes me smile.

3. I HATE eating in the dark. I don't know why. I need lights on when I eat, and it really annoys me to go to a restaurant where their version of moodlighting makes me feel like I'm eating without electricity like the stone age.

4. I have a huge fear of the unknown, I hate not being able to plan or prepare for the future. The thought of living until one day someone sticks me in a box, sometimes paralyzes me.

5. I would be a Mom for the rest of my life if I could....

6. I detest throwing up. I don't care HOW sick I am, I will avoid it at ALL costs.

7. I hate the thought that one day my parents will no longer be around...it panics me. This kind of mirrors number four.

8. I love baking! The only reason I don't do it more is I always end up being the one to EAT it! ;)

9. I am extremely empathetic, and even if I haven't been through an exact situation, have an ability to FEEL others pain very well. Its wierd.

10. I love curling up in front of the TV when the Macy's Day Parade is on, smelling food cooking through the house, and helping my Mom cook during commercials..it's my favorite tradition.

11. I love to kiss. Point blank.

12. I sometimes wish that I could try a new job each day to see if there's something I really connect with besides teaching.

13. I hate roller coasters and therefore hate going to amusement parks but I have always paid and gone just to spend time with my friends.

14. The time I spent as a Nanny in Florida were some of the happiest days in my life...It was like I was given a glimpse of the kind of life I would love to have.

15. I secretly wish I could pull off I really edgy look or even just an edgy hairstyle, but I'm too chicken to try.


Saturday, August 28, 2010

Rememberance- Written September 11th, 2007, six years post tragedy. Please Comment!

Nature paid its own rememberance today...the skies were dull and cloudy and a light rain continually fell from the sky. The emotions in the air were dismal and the city seemed to lag. Six years ago, our lives changed forever, altering this earth as we know it and eternally stamping our history books. There will always be a day when we look back, this will always be an event to be remembered, whether its six years or sixty. Looking at it all, I'm forced to recall how much I've paid attention to friends, family. I know I could do better, but I also feel that I've tried very hard to stick with those that have also stuck with me. Can you say the same? Are you letting work, relationships, or life in general get in your way? How long has it been since you've sat down and appreciated what you have? Are you really grateful for everything that God's blessed you with, or will it be a matter of time before you start wanting more?

Material things are not the answer people....objects break, toys die, colors fade, jewels lose their luster. The strongest, most secure buildings are threatened every day, and some day all of the things we work so hard for, all the money, cars, nice houses, it will all be gone. It's hard to swallow isn't it? I know all too well that it is. We all wish for that cookie cutter life, the one we've been planning since we were old enough to understand the reality behind the brick walls of a school, office, or dorm room. For some, the realization comes fast and lasts long. Something they're tossed into due to life circumstances. A seven year old forced to feed and clothe his baby sister every night, while joining a gang to feel family and brotherhood, selling drugs and running stolen goods to secrete locations to make a couple extra bucks for his family. For others, the realization only happens when all of a sudden life isn't so easy anymore. Unfortunately sometimes it takes a big event like 9/11 to wake up some of the most influential business minded people. Maybe the woman that spent every day at work only to see her children once in a while, buried in duties and running from responsibility. When one day the office down the street catches fire, people are injured, and everything is lost. That day she leaves work early and spends the first day in over a year, playing on the floor with her kids and crying at the little things like their giggle or the chance to bake cookies with them. Of course these are extreme and mediums exist. I'm not saying material things aren't nice and don't make life easier. Hell, I have a dishwasher now and absolutely love it. I'm just wondering how much value we place in all this STUFF when we should really be focused on family, friends and at least trying to LOVE one another and get along.

Someone cut you off on the highway? So what, they must need to get somewhere faster than you do. Pray they get there safely. You're daughter just used an entire can of shaving cream to create her own personal drawing pad on the shower wall? Big deal get down on your knees and draw pictures with her. Have fun. Soak it in. It won't last forever.

That said, what really is the use in all the hate? So your next door neighbor just told you he was gay. Big deal. It's not your job to judge him no matter what you believe. Wish him well, and move on. Your best friend completely ditches you? Ouch. That sucks. Pray, grieve, and thank God for the friends you'll make that will be completely for you and not against you. There is no telling what's in store...and I for one don't want to be the person that regrets missing what could have been the best years of my life because I was too busy complaining about what I don't have or what needs to be better. We all have our tough, lonely days. But its days like that I thank God for my friends and my family because they pull me through. We all need, desire and long for love and acceptance. But the ultimate truth is, whether your religious or not, that really we avoid it. We avoid love from everyone at first at least. We're afraid to trust and give our full hearts. Even when we do we sometimes second guess ourselves.

This is the hardest truth for me to face...I'd rather not be hurt again. I'd rather not go through another heart break..but through each one I've grown and I've learned. Each one has given me something to take back. Some were life lessons, and others were just things I hadn't yet discovered about my own self. Whatever the case, I now know, what it is I don't want and what I do out of a relationship and its helping me be a lot more selective with whom I spend my time. (don't forget this was written in 07...waay before Nick)

Now some of you may read this and claim that its all bull because of today being 9/11 but in all truth its really been things that have been on my mind for a long time. Today just brought a lot of it to light, not to mention some of my own life circumstances have now changed me and the way I look at things. I am no way prepared to handle life on my own, and I believe that first and foremost God, is going to help me do that. But, I also believe that my friends and family are going to be God's helping hands here on Earth for those days when maybe God seems a little far away or I just need a little more help trusting the situations and people around me.

No matter what you believe, please don't just let this be another day you let go by no matter if its 9/11 or not. Let people be there for you, share your feelings and let go of it all. Carrying it around is doing you no good. And please, if anyone out there needs anything...maybe I could be that person for you. So I haven't been before..well theres no harm in letting me try now.

I thank God each and every day for ALL of my friends and family and I'm sorry if you haven't heard that from me in a while. Good days and bad, we always have to remember life's essentials. Live. Laugh. Love


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Me- Written in August 2007

ME- August 2007
Tell me that I'll be okay...that my heart will mend and fill one day

Tell me that my tears are not in vain, but help me find a release from my pain

The world is waking up, and I'm finding my place

I won't be another waste of God's amazing space

I wish and I pray, I trust and I doubt

Tell me that I'll love again, and find these words ring true

Tell me that I'll find some one, better for me than you.

Erase the hurt, the pain and the strife

Bring on the challenges, successes and questions of life

Find me in the laughter or find me in the pain

Just find me before the hurt takes hold and makes me go insane

Im not the best poet, this doesnt follow a natural pattern or rhyme

These words are not yours to judge, in fact they are mine
Find me,
             hold me,

                               make it go away

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Breathless-Written in July 2007

I look at you and you look at me

It's hard to believe, all it takes is a smile

All it takes is one look and I can't breathe

Caught up in a whirlwind, all in one desire

Around you, it's as if my hearts caught fire

I long to touch you, and feel you next to me

It's a shame it cant always be this way

I can't stand when we're apart, I hate that you're not mine

One day I hope to change all that

Slowly I could be getting my wish

Still I know that tommorow, you'll smile at me

And it's hard to believe, that with just that one look

I find it hard to breathe

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Nature's Lonesome-Written in June 2007

Nature's Lonesome

A lonely petal falls from a wilting flower

A lonely drop drips out of a leaky faucet

A lonely leaf drifts from a tree in the wind

A lonely shell is pushed to shore by a forceful wave

A lonely breeze blows through a single, open window

With all of this, I find comfort...I may be alone..but...

Like a flower, I am beautiful

Like a drop of water, I am everchanging

Like a leaf, I grow and change and adapt

Like a shell, I am a simple treasure commanding attention

Like a breeze, I touch all whose paths I cross.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Jealousy-Written in April 2007


It's a giddy kind of jealousy that I feel

It's hard to believe that this could ever be real

I sigh at your picture and smile hearing your name

With you here beside me, I'll never be the same

I wish to be next to you, holding your hand

I long for the day that I can make you understand

It's this sweet kind of jealousy that makes me do the things I do

It's this sweet kind of jealousy that makes me long for you

I want to be the one you look at and the one you call your own

I wait for the day that it's you one the other end of my ringing phone

The sweet way you talk, and the way you make me laugh

The scary way I feel when I think it might not last

It's this crazy kind of jealousy when I know theres other girls

It's a crazy kind of jealousy that makes me want to be your world

I worry that they're better, prettier or more your type

I hope you know that for you I'll put up a fight

I know you feel the same way and I think that's the best and worst part

Because now that I know, I think I may have just lost my heart

I fall fast and I fall hard, and I'm jealous of anyone that can treat love like a game

Please ease these fears of mine and say you feel the same

The days get longer, and the nights are restless as I dream of your face

I dare say that I may kiss you one of these days

I've never felt this way before, and the funny part, you see

Is now that I have you, there are actually people jealous of me.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

A Day of Hope

Blog silence in Memory of my monkey...my very much loved, Baby Albright. Lost at 8 weeks 2 days on May 1, 2010.  EDD Dec 10,2010

~All Children are Miracles, even ones that can not stay for very long.~

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Dragonflies and an OBGYN follow up.

Today was my follow up. Presumably the appt that would decide that my body has healed itself in a good manner and that I should be able to try and conceive again at anytime.  You see, however, ttc will have to wait. We are getting married in 8 months, and as much as my heart yearns to be pregnant again, I know its not logical, for me and Nick personally,  to let me walk down the aisle preggers.  So, knowing this would be the case, I was not excited for the appointment...at All.

Upon leaving the condo, the first thing I saw was a pure white butterfly. Then promptly after that, a fun little dragon fly came bopping by. Dragonflies have quite the significance in the babyloss world. Here's the link to the story of the Waterbug/Dragonfly to kind of explain why.


The dragonfly definitely made me smile. It was like the universe's way of saying everything was okay and that the baby was safe, in heaven, looking down to help me through the day.

I get to the dr's office, and I'm surrounded by pregnant women and their partners...all in different stages of their pregnancy. I was sad, especially because of that and the fact that their were baby pictures everywhere, but I was okay. Until one of the nurses appeared. It was the same nurse that diagnosed me as pregnant, the same nurse that took my family history, the same nurse that explained the testing options that would come down the road and shared Nick and I's excitement before hardly anyone knew. At that point, I didn't know if I could hold in the tears, but luckily a nurse came to take me back. I laid in the room on the table after the nurse left with my vitals for AT least a half an hour...URG. 

While waiting in the room, I kept hearing people talking in the rooms directly next to mine...so wouldn't you know someone was getting an ultrasound!??!!  From what I gathered it sounded as if they were having a boy, whom would be a jr, but they were having trouble on making the final decision regarding names. It was such a knife to my heart. I kept thinking...that should be me, I should be over half way there, starting to plan my babyshower and getting into arguments about names with nick..but instead I'm here with an empty uterus and a hole in my heart.  Finally the doctor came in, and he actually spent some time with me and checked me over.  He wants me to get an ultrasound on my gallbladder Monday AM based on some symptoms I've been struggling with and mentioned anti depressants if going to therapy doesn't help.  But before he left, he looked at me and said, I really am sorry for everything you've been through.

(Since April, my Grandmother passed Away, I lost the baby, My dad was in a horrific motorcycle accident in NJ, almost died, and almost lost his leg, his girlfriend was killed in this accident, and Nick's grandfather passed away.)

Then, he hugged me, looked at me, and said, We'll take care of you.  It was so nice in that moment to feel like these doctor's would take care of me. Hopefully when I'm pregnant the next time, we can feel just as confident in them. Because I will tell you one thing, I'm not sure I'll ever be THAT girl again...the one who can get giddy about a pregnancy...at least not until I'm at a certain point, where I feel like its okay not to worry..

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Water...and some stuff about Me. Water portion Written in April 2007

I was thinking...water has a lot of symbols in life.....Life, thirst, PURITY, Cleansing, rebirth, power, calm, serenity...etc...and while most of the symbols run along a central theme..that of life and the like...some completely mirror each other like power and calm for example....Water is such a mysterious force..one minute its calm and serene and it is that thing that breathes life into all of us..however in an instant that can change and the water can turn into a powerful raging creature that could quickly take life away....Life is like that...things are so uncertain sometimes and frankly...its scary as hell..I wish sometimes that I knew what my future held..but then I realize I'd have no mystery to life and nothing to look forward to...still maybe a hint would be nice...just to know that I'm not going in a completely wrong direction..

Going with the theme of water and its cleansing ability I was thinking about baptism and its significance..I'll actually be able to be rebaptized this summer because for once I won't miss it due to coming back to ship...but I thought about and though we are cleansed of everything with the love and power of Christ, are there some things we can never be rid of? Or is it that we're to scared to let it wash away....Or maybe we're scared it will wash us away with it...I don't know..


-I will always be a Delta girl...soo much a part of the country

-Just because I'm nice to you, doesn't mean I'm flirting with you.

-I will trust you, but it takes time. Once you've earned my trust, you best not do anything to take it away, because you may never get it back.

-I am a forgiving person...but don't walk all over me, and if I forgive you, honor that by staying on my good side.
-I will always find something calming in the sight of an old firehouse or auto mechanic shop

-I will always be intrigued by men in uniform ;)  This is why I'm marrying one!!!!

-I will always be won over through music

-I will always love children and their amazing stories

-I will always be devoted to my family, no matter what

- I will always be a momma's girl..to the core

- I will always love being girly..no matter what other people think

-I will always look back fondly on my days at Shippensburg and remember them as some of the best and worst in my life

-I will always be a worry wart

-I will always be a great friend to anyone who takes the time to let me

-I will always put others before myself in many situations

-I will always be stubborn

-I will always love God and devote myself to living up to that

-I will always SING

-I will always look back and wonder what if...

-I will always be someone that can smile and cry in the same day

-I will always be an honorable, trustworthy person

-I will always try my best at everything I do

-I will always have a few things that I'm deathly afraid of

-I will always love country music..country runs in my vains

-I will always be obsessed with Billy Ray Cyrus

I will ALWAYS miss my baby. <3 05/01/2010  Miss you Monkey
I WILL ALWAYS DO MY BEST to live, laugh and love, and show respect to those who cross paths with me...

I can only hope that others can do the same...

Monday, August 16, 2010

Who I Am- Written in March 2007

I'm Not: The Popular Girl, with tons of friends.

I Am: The girl you can count on to create strong, long lasting friendships.

I'm Not: A girl that likes to play mind games.

I Am: A girl you can count on to be authentic, I'm sometimes guilty of wearing my heart on my sleeve.

I'm Not: So desperate that I'll hookup with random guys to feel loved.

I Am: Just like most other girls, I have my little crushes and I may think a bunch of guys are attractive, but expect that when I Devote my heart to someone, it stays that way.

I'm Not: A party girl, I'm not gonna get plastered every weekend and I most definitely Will Not get high with you.

I Am: A girl who's Real. It's okay to have a drink once in a while, in my opinion. But in no circumstances are drugs or drinking to the point of blackouts every weekend okay.

I Am: A girl devoted to morals and values, especially being a Christian.

I Am: A type of girl that will attempt to grab your attention through my smile, personality, sense of humor and body language.

I'm Not: A judgemental person, I can't judge you as a person if I don't know you. I can only make inferences based on what I see and what you do as an individual.

I Am: Passionate. Point blank. A person who is devoted to being caring, understanding, and open minded-to a point. Yes I have strong opinions about some things and I can really be stubborn, but that makes me who I am.

I'm Not: The type of girl that needs to be the center of attention all the time.

I Am: The girl who wants to be heard and be a genuine addition to your life, family, social situation, and culture. I want to get to know you for you.

I'm Not: The girl who gets jealous every time you look away.

I Am: The girl who will be proud of what I have in you, because chances are if I pick you, there's something pretty great about you-at least in my mind. Because of this pride, yes I may get a little jealous now and then but thats only because I care and I want everyone to know that "you are mine".

I Am: The girl who communicates through body language and touch.

I'm Not: The girl who doesn't respect that you need time with your guy friends.

I Am: The girl who needs time with my girl friends.

I'm Not: The girl who expects you to be overly romantic all the time..you're not the inventor of Hallmark so why should I expect u to act like them?

I Am: The girl who wants to be appreciated and loved, get nice things every now and then, and know that you love me through little romantic things. Especially like making it known in front of your friends, even if its not the "cool" thing to do.

I'm Not: The girl who expects you to be a mind reader

I Am: The girl who expects you to be sensitive to my needs and emotions and respect me as an equal in the relationship

I'm Not: THAT girl, the girl you've told all your guy friends about thats a stalker, or talks to much or expects to much or whatever excuse you've come up with for shying away from girls and avoiding mature commitment.

I Am: ME....and the way I figure...thats about as much as you could ask for.

DISCLAIMER....This was written THREE YEARS ago. It was a huge way of how I felt at the time.Three years later, I'm amazed that I found a man that I love to death. He fills every part of me. He makes me happier than I've ever been. He knows everything there is to know about me..including those things mentioned above. It means the world to me that I've found someone willing to except, ALL of me. <3 I love you Nick! <3

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Hate, It's a Strong Word. Inspired by the Poem from 10 Things I hate about you. Written February 2007

Hate...It's a Strong Word

I hate the way you leave me speechless

and your smart ass ways.

I hate the way you drive your car

and that you leave me in a daze. I hate how much I love your jacket,

and the way you shattered my walls.

I hate you so much it makes me scream,

and I hate that you made me fall

I hate that you think you're always right,

and I hate wondering if you've lied

I hate you when you make me laugh,

but so much more when you make me cry

I hate that I can't see you more,

and that you still don't know the real me

But mostly, I hate the way I can't hate you

because I know

that there's no way

you could ever hate me.

2 Things...Both written by me, in February 2007

Valentine's Day

We make Valentine's Day into some big thing

Its a day for everyone to tell everyone else they love each other

And give really mushy gifts..sometimes that are ridiculously expensive

While its a fun holiday, especially in elementary school,

Why do we put so much emphasis on just this day

Why shouldn't you be able to tell someone you love them EVERY day of the year

Why shouldn't you buy something for someone, just because, rather than for an occasion

Why can't girls be as excited about love every day, instead of just today

Don't get me wrong, Valentine's Day is awesome and certainly a day to celebrate the love between friends/lovers/etc

But lets not forget the importance of love between everyone...everyday

Rules to Live By

Don't waste your tears on someone that isn't worth it

Do not change who you are for anyone

Wait for the person that is willing to wait for you

Find someone that makes you laugh when everything else makes you want to cry

Find someone that calls you beautiful and gorgeous not hot or sexy, at least all the time

Find someone that you can sit next to, not talk, and still enjoy your time together

Find the person that when you kiss them, everything else dissapears and the whole world feels like its on fire

Find the person that is willing to do nothing except sleep when they are in a bed with you

Find someone that will hold your hand in front of his friends, as well as kiss you in front of them, without caring what anyone thinks

Find someone that allows you to be who you are

Find the person that makes you feel safe enough to cross every boundary you have in your heart

Find the person that wants to talk to you everyday, and would do just about anything to see you

Find the person that can read your eyes, your smiles, and that listens to what you DON'T say

Find the person that takes your biggest insecurity and makes it feel like the smallest thing in the world

Find the person that will look into your eyes and tell you they want to be with you, and mean it

Find the person willing to devote time to you and only you

Finally, find the person that you know in your heart, is worth it

Because you are beautiful, and you deserve the best!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Toxin-Written in October 2006

Let me be your toxin, go ahead drink it all in 
Cuz baby, you know this is the best kinda sin 
I'll wow you with my eyes and charm you with my smile 
My personality will make you run the extra mile 
Get me alone, and the walls come down 
I may be innocent but not as much as I may sound... 
Give me one chance, to prove I'm worth the wait 
Cuz when hearts like ours collide, it's nothing short of fate.... 
This is my song and story, my ballad, and it's all true... 
You wont be able to see straight, when I'm done with you! 

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Things You May Not Know...an about me post :)

  • I spent almost four years in college only to realize I'd rather be a stay at home Mom.  
  • I worry about everything, no matter what it is.  
  •  I have panic attacks when I think about my Mom or Dad passing away.  
  • I hate when people assume that because I go to church, I don't like to have fun.
  • I moved around a lot when I was younger and as a result now, have issues with stability and control
  • I absolutely hate when I read a newspaper or yearbook and find spelling or grammatical errors...it drives me UP THE WALL.   

  •  I would rather eat fruit and vegetables then cake or cookies.  

  •  I absolutely LOVE cottage cheese and apple butter. 

  • My mom is my absolute best friend in the entire world.  

  • I already have names picked out for our future children.  

  • When I look in the mirror, I struggle not to see the girl I was in highschool and middle school- scared, bruised, unconfident, and a lot heavier.  

  • I hate it when people make assumptions about me, my family or my friends. 

  • I really can not stand being in a car with someone who drives like a maniac, especially my step dad. 

  • I miss being on the stage. I would love nothing more to be a singer or an actress, it really is my true passion besides children.   

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

My Bucket List....with updates, accomplishments, and a side note.

It's almost 10pm...Tuesday. Nick should be getting off work soon. It's quiet here. I'm lying on the couch looking at the frame we made for the baby. Its a card I got from winning a give away on an AWESOME blog of a blog friend of mine. Shannon has a new blog now, named, Eat, Pray, Love, Live! and she is a follower of me. You should check out her blog if you have time. She is one AWESOME lady.

Anyway because of her, and her blog, the arbor day foundation planted ten trees in honor of my lost little one. I looked down at todays date and for the umpteenth time realized it was the tenth. I don't like that number now...neither do I like the first for similar reasons...you can imagine the emotional confusion on my birthday. Anyway...I realize again its the 10th, which only means I'm FOUR months away from what was supposed to be my due date. Barf.

But realizing that, made me also realize that December is knowingly going to be hard for me. Even after my due date has come and gone, Christmas I will be a wreck thinking of all the things I should be doing with a newborn thats not here. Gosh that kills me.

I've been really emotional lately about all of this, and I'm not entirely sure why, only thing I can figure is just the stress of it all finally catching up with me.  I made up my mind to do something about it. Hopefully, soon, I will be meeting with a...yikes, THERAPIST, to talk it out and see where my tears and anxiety keep stemming from.  But within that big choice and change I made the realization that this new year will truly be a changing year for me. My due date will be behind me, my wedding will be months away and I really will be getting a fresh start. So in honor of this, I decided to dig up my old Bucket List, to see what I've accomplished and if anything needs edited or if my sentiments have changed...

Without further ado..."The List"

1. Graduate with high honors from Shippensburg University
Graduated, Suma Cum Laude, May 07

2. Get my own apartment after graduation, either by myself or with a friend that can help with expenses.
Accomplished three times over, now renting a condo with my Fiance! :)

3. Establish good credit.
Got to check it for free, everything I have is in the green!

4. Meet the man God has intended for me to spend my life with and marry him.
We're halfway there...I got engaged to the man I believe God chose for me on Valentines Day 2010. We will be married May 7, 2011. Less than Nine months from Now!!!

5. Become a kindergarten teacher.
Not yet, but I have subbed in Kindergarten and I hope to go back to subbing and maybe eventually find a teaching job after Nick and I are married, that way I have stable benefits. For now, I enjoy my job as a preschool teacher with Headstart. I am important. I pave the way FOR kindgergarten. I make sure they're ready.

6. Have a nice home with my husband that is all of my own interior design.
Not yet, but we do have a condo that my fiance and I have decorated.  Eventually WE will have a home. So this one is in italics too so i see it needs done.

7. Lose weight and get in shape.
UGH, this is SUCH an ongoing battle. Everytime I lose weight, I gain it back again. And now after a pregnancy, its just that much harder...:(

8. Have my own garden in my backyard complete with lots of flowers, trees, a hammock and maybe even a pond.

9. Own two dogs.
I have one dog, named Lexi. She is an adoreable Chiuaua/Pomeranian/Jack Russel/Pug mix and I lover her to DEATH. I can't have her in my condo though. Someday, in our home. We will have two.

10. Join a Hip/Hop dance class

11. Have between 2-4 children.
This one stings. I consider myself a mother, but yet...I have no physical children to show for it. One day I will get my sticky rainbow baby(ies)...I swear I will.

12. Visit Ireland

13. Sing in front of my whole church.
It's amazing how much more confident I am with my singing and my voice. I really enjoy blessing people with my talent, although stage fright does occasionally take over. However this goal has been accomplished.

14. Take vocal lessons.
I almost did this...who knows maybe one day I still will.

15. Volunteer at a home for unwed mothers and their children.
I still want to volunteer at maybe a soup kitchen or women's shelter somewhere, but I'm not sure how to start that...maybe I'll look into it soon.

16. Learn to cook beyond the things I already know.
This is one of those goals, I'm not sure will ever be fully realized, only because the more I learn about cooking and baking, the more I want to know. I love it. I've gotten good, but could be better, so for now, I'm leaving this one italicized.

17. Pay off all my loans.
Ha...work in progress.

18. Get a Subaru WRX.

19. Be a good friend.

20. Visit the Butterfly Conservatory.
I think when I originally wrote this I meant the new one in Hershey? If its still there next year around peak season, I will go, and I WILL take my sister, my Mom and Hailey-Rose, and hopefully Melanie and Raelynn will be able to come too!

21. Volunteer in the NICU at the hospital.
York Hospital used to have a program where you could be a volunteer and come in and hold babies in the NICU- I think it was called touch therapy or something. But with stricter regulations now, moving to a new place and the baby loss, I'm not sure anymore that this one is possible.

22. Take a road trip.

23. Go to the Beach!
I honestly don't remember the last time I went to the beach. I can't wait to go sometime.

24. Visit Assateague Island
I've always wanted to see the wild ponies. This can work with the one above lol!

25. Go on a cruise to an island in the Carribean.

26. Set up a retirement fund.

27. Be the best mother I know how to be.

28. Pay my Mom back.
While I'm slowly working on paying my Mom back, she is one of the most giving and generous people I know. I'm not sure I'll ever completely be able to repay everything she's done for me. I love you Mom.

29. Impress everyone at my first high school reunion.
We didn't have a five year, so hopefully, I can do this at our ten year, in 2013.

30. Set up savings accounts to help my children go to college.

31. Be healthy and happy as much as possible.
Still workin on it...but tryin, none the less....

32. Start a journal of Praise to God thanking him each day.

33. Swim with Dolphins.

34. Be a great wife.

35. Go on a hot air balloon ride.

36. Adopt a child from overseas.

37. Write more.
I think I've got a pretty good start with this blog...we shall see what happens!

38. Create a scrapbook documenting my life that I am proud of.

39. Start a scrapbook for each of my children the day they are born to be given to them the day they turn 18.

40. Visit Shippensburg University with my children, and other colleges of their choice.

41. Learn how to create a budget for my household and become better at saving money.

42. Learn how to drive a stick shift.

43. Still be vibrant and active when I am over 60.

44. Take acting classes and possibly audition for a few shows.
I graduated from Barbizon Modeling school where I learned a lot about acting. I was told I was one of the best, they really wanted me to go to IMTA to be seen by scouts...but I didn't have 5 grand. Maybe I'll look around here and see if I can find some community theaters...I know there is one in Mechanicsburg.

45. Visit a dermatologist about my skin.

46. Design the most amazing nursery for each of my kids.

47. Go back to school for my masters either in ESL or Early Childhood.

48. Meet Billy Ray Cyrus.
I still can't believe I accomplished this. I've seen him in concert TWICE at the American Music Theater in Lancaster, once when I was around 20 I believe-FRONT row, and again with my sister just last year.

49. Publish my poetry.
I still can't believe I accomplished this one either. But thanks to Poetry.com, one of my poems is now published in a book. The book is titled Forever Spoken. It features many poems that were submitted, but still, I'm a published author!


^ Copy and paste this link into your URL to see the book on Amazon.com

50. Drive a classic antique car.

51. Go to a Nascar race with my Daddy.

52. Go on my Church's camping retreat.
Accomplished..oh the memories!! :)

53. Visit California.

54. Finally experience travel on a plane.
Accomplished when I flew to Florida and Washington.

55. Go to a movie premiere.

56. Go to a Coyote Ugly bar.

57.Visit New York City again.

58. See "The Blue Man Group" perform.

59. Attend and perform at an Open Mic Night.

60. Go to Austraila

61. See STOMP

62. Visit Florida again with Nick. He's never been on a Plane or to Disney World. 

63. Go to the gym regularly
I start going, and then I always stop. Hopefully I can change that soon.

64. Develop my interests in photography
This is starting to be accomplished. I just want to take a few classes to expand on what I'm already good at and get a better camera.

65. Instill values, morals and respect in my children.

66. Succeed as a stay at home mom.

67. See the Ball Drop from Times Square in NY

68. Kiss in the rain

69. Make snow angels with my children

70. Visit a talent agency
Barbizon Modeling and Talent Agency.

71. Be on a Game Show.

72. Visit Myrtle Beach

73. Try out for a show at York Little Theater
Accomplished. Tried out for Grease but didn't make the show due to the fact that I would miss a week of rehersals due to going to Florida as a Nanny.

74. Sing Karaoke at a bar.

75. Get one of those plaster of paris belly mold's done when I'm pregnant.

76. Work or volunteer with my church.
Accomplished several times over.

100. Be thankful for the time I have on this Earth and the things that I have.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Black Ice, One of My Favorite Poems, Written in June 2006

Black Ice
Preacher man talks about anxiety, hate and fear

I feel like a fake and try to hide my tears

It doesn't seem to matter now that my smile is rarely real

I don't know if anyone could ever understand how I feel

The tears I cry are pointless but help to ease the pain

They fall down my cheeks somberly like early morning rain

I crave to have back my childhood but in a different light

Never did I ever win my father's fight

The bruises are long gone now, but forever scarred is my heart

My dreams and my reality harshly ripped apart

Its hard to forget times like those, especially now as I put up my guard

You see no one can climb these walls, and even if they did they wouldn't get far

Forget the past, everyone says, move on with your life

I've tried and at times I've succeeded and I'm still holding on tight

Holding tight to the notion, that somehow I'll survive

Trying desperately not to let anyone catch me living the lie

I love God and I trust Him, but I'm scared its not enough

Not even I can seem to breach those walls I've built so tough

Only today did I realize that I have been doing this to myself

But how do I put all this hurt away, like some old toy upon a shelf

My fearful tears consume me, and bottled rage comes out

I want to hurt everyone that has ever hurt me...I want to kick and scream and shout

I'm so sick of not knowing what my life may bring, and having issues with control

All I know is all my hiding has started to take its toll

I'm not some poor man's Sandra Dee or some stupid Goody Two Shoes

But why is it up to me to have to chose

Can't anyone be happy with the person that is all of me

One part angel, one part devil and a little of something in between

The words flow from me like a long dried up fountain

I will stay quiet no longer and I will rise again

Is it true that I'm afraid I'll never be good enough, even for the most high God

Is it true that I've held on to all of this because I'm afraid to break down the facade

I'm admist all this confusion and I don't know what to do

The worst is feeling like I have no one to turn to

No one wants to hear this story over and over like a worn out record

I just need to cry and I need to be held

But I won't, I'll hold it all in and my heart, once that of an innocent child

Is slowly freezing, nothing more than black ice waiting to shatter

I'm beginning to think I can't do anything right, but what does it matter

Attention world, society and all shameless guys...tonight we're serving Lindsey on a platter

I've been the friend, and the fun fling, and I've even been the other woman, a freaking lifetime special in the making

I'm never good enough for more than just some mindless conversation, but wait, my body apparently thats yours for the taking

No one will ever hurt me like that again, of that I'm sure

It is my solemn vow to somehow in this den of iniquity we call the world, to remain pure

I struggle every day to regain control in any way possible, and sometimes I do

The access to my heart and mind is given only to a chosen few

Until now I had decided to stay quiet and let the world keep going with me on its chopping block

Somehow, someway, it has to stop

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Innocence-Written May 2006


We don't see shapes in clouds anymore

It's not as fun by yourself on the dance floor

We disgrace the name of love in the name of lust

We push and we pull and get left in the dust

What is the pain and the struggle really all for
Looking for love on every distant shore

It's not worth the tears, forget all your pain

You've forgotten what its like to feel

Why did holding hands become such a chore

It's not just about love anymore

Love has lost its innocence

Hearts are slowly slipping away

What is your choice today?

Friday, August 6, 2010

A Slightly Misshapen Destiny- Written January 19, 2006

A Slightly Mishapen Destiny

We all travel the road of life at such a fast pace
Memories created, friendships fading

Everyone in contest to win "the race"

Early years filled with such promise and imagination

Middle years its all angst and everythings jaded

Where did your importance lie?

Was it really worth it to make that shy girl cry?

You think you know what love is and why its important

But that's just it, you DON'T get it

Highschool: Life's biggest popularity contest

Walking through the halls as every peer passes judgement

So much so that everyone is nothing but an outer shell

Those masks you all wear they have no story to tell!

Think about it, where you could be right now

Just by looking deeper, past the superficial

There comes a time when you have to REFUSE to sell out

Of course not every day is bad, and you make some great friends

But all too often thats where the story ends

We graduate and move away...promising to speak soon or meet another day

Granted for a select few thats true, for others its so only on the holidays

But those friends that you broke hearts, lied and cheated for?

What was it all worth to be adored?

College you think your time has finally come for that second chance

Its the promise land filled with new hopes, and new people to answer to

You can become that person you've always wanted to be

Because after all these are supposed to be the best years of your lives

Take that step up, and start to thrive

I know what its like though, eventually things change

And you wonder why you ever tried in the first place

Watch out your window, as those party girls leave yet again

While you sit up till all hours of the night struggling to finish everything

You could sell out, drink away the pain, find love in all the wrong places

Isn't it better to be alone than to have to become that fake person

The one who sleeps with all the guys just to feel special

Push your worries aside, no more wondering why,

College is the opportunity of a lifetime!

The friends we make, they are supposed to last forever!

Whether they actually will or not, we'll have to see

There's no telling whats in store for me

Most of all I wish that people would just stop competing in this silly race

Take a second, reflect on where they're going and how they got there in the first place

(C)2006 Lindsey Rae

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Hate doing the whole, shoulda coulda, woulda thing...

So there was yet another Facebook pregnancy post here lately...I can't deal. I want to dissapear. I was doing so well, for sooo long, and now for some reason I keep running across triggers. I miss my baby. I should be 22 FREAKIN WEEKS right now. But I'm not. I have an empty uterus and an empty heart. Ugh. 

I can't wait to try again, but know that its not a logical choice until after we get married due to the timing of it all.

On top of that I found out my triglyceride levels are high and my good cholesterol levels are low...FRIGGIN great.

I'm so not in the mood right now for any drama or craziness and I swear if I get on fb today and theres more posts about preggos, I might just put a hold on my account.  I have a feeling this is going to get worse as my due date keeps looming closer...I really do.   Maybe once it passes I can take a breath and start feeling normal again...I can only hope.

I'm not usually so depressing and negative, really. Just having a hard time dealing with things right now.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Hello, Readers! Welcome post, sorry its long.

Welcome to my blog!

This will be my place to vent, to grieve, to process and to share the daily happenings of my life.  I will also post positive things. Hopefully I hope to eventually post my photography, recipes, writings, etc. I hope to gain some sort of following eventually. For now, I'd like to tell you a bit about myself.

I'm 25 years old, and I live in PA with my gorgeous fiance.
I work as a preschool teacher full time.
I love my job, my interactions with the little ones and their families, and the fact that I have summers off! ;)

My fiance, Nick, is a part time EMT and full time Paramedic. I am VERY lucky to have found someone willing to work hard for us so that we can live.
We aren't rich, but we aren't poor either and we try to have a date night at least once a month.

We got engaged on Valentine's Day 2010 and as of todays date,we have been dating over 20 months.

My Mom is my best friend, and I have a few other best friends that make livin this crazy life possible.

I will always be my Daddy's babygirl, and right now things are not easy for us as he was in a horrible motorcycle accident in NJ on Father's Day.   But, he is here, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I love my family VERY much. They mean more to me than anything.

I have a gorgeous sister, who is married. She has a baby girl named Hailey-Rose, that I love and spoil to pieces. I'm an Aunt though, I'm allowed. That girl makes me smile, no matter the circumstances. She really adds life to my life...if that makes sense.

I enjoy reading, writing, singing, acting and talking on the phone. I love social networking sites but I hate that our connections between people have turned sooo technological. Now instead of receiving phone calls on my birthday, I get wall posts...but guess I can't complain. It does make thing easier.

I write poetry, and will probably be posting some old stuff on here to clear out my myspace, which I never access, later on. 

Nick and I have been through a lot in our time together, but the past few months have changed my very being.  But more on that in a later post.

Welcome, thanks for reading.

< <3 >

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Today, I am 25.

Today, I am 25.
Today, I am a fiance.
Today, I am a daughter.
Today, I am a friend.
Today, I am a Mother.

Today marks 3 months since I lost the baby. A little hard to be celebrating a birthday when you're morning a loss like this. But I'm going to try. Man, I miss my baby.

Our Journey towards Making a Family

Long Version : Our Journey Blog Post
Go here to learn about how we got our start..and where we are now!

Short Version:
11-28-2008- Started Dating

2-14-2010- Got Engaged :)

4-3-2010- First Positive Test- Baby 1 due 12/10/10

5-1-2010- Miscarriage at 8wks2days

12-10-2010- Estimated Due Date for Baby 1

5-5-2011- Second Positive Test- Baby 2 due 1-12-12
5-7-2011- We are Married!! :)
5-14-2011- Miscarriage at 5wks2days

6-16-2011- Repeated Pregnancy Loss blood work
6-23-2011- HSG looks good!
6-23-2011- dx positive ANA- Anti Nuclear Antibodies

07-05-2011- Rheumatologist Appointment
7-11-2011- dx Low Vitamin D levels. Start Prescription Vitamin D and baby aspirin

09/2011- Officially No Longer Preventing

10/5/11-First cycle Actively Trying. AF shows up

11/21/11-Celiac Bloodwork Negative, Vit D still lower than normal, start another prescription. Continue prenatals with Vit. D as well

01-12-12-Estimated Due Date for Baby 2
01/12-Vit D in normal range, start over the counter Daily Calcium with Vit D supplement per Rhuematologist.

2/15/12-Appt with new Ob who is more proactive with Progesterone Testing-suspects progesterone issues.

2/15/12- 5/9/12-Stop trying and start new charting method (Creighton) to watch for hormone imbalance.