Dragonflies and an OBGYN follow up.

Today was my follow up. Presumably the appt that would decide that my body has healed itself in a good manner and that I should be able to try and conceive again at anytime.  You see, however, ttc will have to wait. We are getting married in 8 months, and as much as my heart yearns to be pregnant again, I know its not logical, for me and Nick personally,  to let me walk down the aisle preggers.  So, knowing this would be the case, I was not excited for the appointment...at All.

Upon leaving the condo, the first thing I saw was a pure white butterfly. Then promptly after that, a fun little dragon fly came bopping by. Dragonflies have quite the significance in the babyloss world. Here's the link to the story of the Waterbug/Dragonfly to kind of explain why.

http://www.rainbowsbridge.com/Belovedhearts/stories/Doris-WaterbugsandDragonflies-632617144169637500.aspx

The dragonfly definitely made me smile. It was like the universe's way of saying everything was okay and that the baby was safe, in heaven, looking down to help me through the day.

I get to the dr's office, and I'm surrounded by pregnant women and their partners...all in different stages of their pregnancy. I was sad, especially because of that and the fact that their were baby pictures everywhere, but I was okay. Until one of the nurses appeared. It was the same nurse that diagnosed me as pregnant, the same nurse that took my family history, the same nurse that explained the testing options that would come down the road and shared Nick and I's excitement before hardly anyone knew. At that point, I didn't know if I could hold in the tears, but luckily a nurse came to take me back. I laid in the room on the table after the nurse left with my vitals for AT least a half an hour...URG. 

While waiting in the room, I kept hearing people talking in the rooms directly next to mine...so wouldn't you know someone was getting an ultrasound!??!!  From what I gathered it sounded as if they were having a boy, whom would be a jr, but they were having trouble on making the final decision regarding names. It was such a knife to my heart. I kept thinking...that should be me, I should be over half way there, starting to plan my babyshower and getting into arguments about names with nick..but instead I'm here with an empty uterus and a hole in my heart.  Finally the doctor came in, and he actually spent some time with me and checked me over.  He wants me to get an ultrasound on my gallbladder Monday AM based on some symptoms I've been struggling with and mentioned anti depressants if going to therapy doesn't help.  But before he left, he looked at me and said, I really am sorry for everything you've been through.

(Since April, my Grandmother passed Away, I lost the baby, My dad was in a horrific motorcycle accident in NJ, almost died, and almost lost his leg, his girlfriend was killed in this accident, and Nick's grandfather passed away.)

Then, he hugged me, looked at me, and said, We'll take care of you.  It was so nice in that moment to feel like these doctor's would take care of me. Hopefully when I'm pregnant the next time, we can feel just as confident in them. Because I will tell you one thing, I'm not sure I'll ever be THAT girl again...the one who can get giddy about a pregnancy...at least not until I'm at a certain point, where I feel like its okay not to worry..