Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas

May the Angels of Heaven watch down on all of us today and grant us a holiday filled with peace, love and understanding. Thank You God for sending your Son to save us. We celebrate him today.

I miss you monkey. Watch over me and help me today.

Friday, December 10, 2010

My Due Date

Well, the day is finally here. I'm definitely sad. I'm trying not to think about it, really. I don't really feel much like talking.

I think I'm ready to share the letter I wrote for the baby.
And no, I'm not insane for writing a letter to my dead baby. I missed him, I wrote it, the end.
This is how I grieve, this is how I get through.
If you have any kind of, why isn't she over this yet, type of opinion-FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY-Keep it to yourself.

In honor of Baby Albright, lost on May 1st, 2010 at 8 weeks, 2 days.

                                                       Estimated Due Date: 12/10/10

Hi baby boy…

It’s mommy. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do…ever. I miss you a lot. I have a lot of words rolling around in my head right now…but I’m going to try my best to get them out. When mommy learned she was pregnant with you, I was SOOOO excited. I couldn’t wait to go to the doctor and hear your little heart and see your little face. Daddy was pretty shocked at first; and kind of worried too. I think he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to buy you all the things you would need, but let me tell you he is awesome. You’d love him.

Even though mommy lost you kind of early, I dream about you sometimes. Are you up in heaven with Mom Mom right now? Listening to her sing? She didn’t know about you when she went to be with God in Heaven, so she was probably a little surprised to see you. But I don’t doubt she’s taking really good care of you right now. She’s probably having so much fun showing you around and kissing your sweet little face.

I hope that you have eyes like Mommy and I hope you laugh and smile like Daddy…he has the best smile. To be honest, I’m not sure you were a boy…but Mommy’s instinct has always told me you were a boy so, I’m going to go with it. Lots of people were looking forward to meeting you little one…your Mommy and Daddy first of all, and also, your Mom Mom. That’s Mommy’s Mom. She is one REALLY special lady. You’ll meet her some day when she gets to heaven, but we have to keep her down here for a while longer. She has such a big heart and was so excited to have another grandbaby. She thought I would be the BEST mommy to you, and I think so too. I’m glad I got to carry you around…even for that little bit of time. I don’t know if you were sad to go, but I know you aren’t sad now…You’ve got all the angels looking after you. And, I know that you’ve been watching Mommy and Daddy go about our day. I feel it. I feel our connection still now…

Today is the day Mommy was supposed to welcome you into the world. Instead all I have is this little stuffed Monkey. It makes me think of you, since I called you my little monkey all the time. I miss you so very much little one. More than anything, I wish you could be here right now. I wish I could be planning your picture in front of a Christmas Tree. I wish we could be planning your first outing to see family. I wish you could be here for your first Christmas and your first snowfall. You’re not here though, and it hurts. A lot. I hope you are okay up there. Tell everyone up there with you that we said we miss you. I love you baby boy, with my entire heart.

One other thing my beautiful angel…mommy is so sorry you had to go. But mommy also really wants to have some babies that get to stay down here on Earth with me. You will always be my first baby. But, I also want to have lots of brothers and sisters for you to meet some day too. So, please talk to God for me and ask Him to help me with that if you could. And please, don’t be sad when it happens because I could never replace you. You were my first baby, and now, my own guardian angel. Just know that I live on in remembrance of you and that one day, hopefully far in the future, we will meet again.

Mommy loves you and misses you very, very much.


Thursday, December 9, 2010

NEED to Vent!

So...tomorrow is my Due Date. Its seriously boggling my mind....I'm tired, depressed and just trying to function.

On top of THAT though, I have to have my gall bladder removed! I'm due for surgery on Dec 22nd.

I have gained a ton of weight. I don't know that I've ever been at the weight I am now. Something NEEDS to change. This is rediculous. I'm hoping that having my gallbladder removed will help....God knows I need it.

I would like to lose between 38 and 43 pounds.  That's my goal. And I would like to lose at least a HALF of that by my wedding. There are approx 20 weeks til the wedding...and if I can lose a pound of week from now till then that will be 20 pounds.  I joined a site that helps calculate your ideal weight and ideal calorie intake. Because I'm lightly active with my job, I selected that option rather than sedentary.  I also hope to begin walking more...I wish I was allowed to have my dog here. That would make it SOO much easier.

According to this website, I'm only to eat 1, 687 calories a day. I'm going to do my best to try and stick to that. I'm also going to try and walk almost every day when I can, although I know the surgery will hold me up.  They have a calorie look up feature on the site so even if all I do is clean for a half our or walk around at work, I can put that in. 

Oh another thing, I have SHINGLES. I'm so pissed. My guess is that someone at work had the chicken pox and because of my reduced immune system due to the stress of my due date, my body just couldn't fight off the virus.  Ugh.  Well, I have steroids, an antibiotic, and an antiviral to take, so hopefully that will kick its butt.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

5 Months til the Wedding!!!

I can't believe we only have 5 MONTHS til the wedding! Here's what we have to do yet!

-Choose between our two options for cake bakers, and put down a deposit with the signed contract.

-Purchase invitations....still haven't found any that I really LOVE.

-Meet with the caterer to finalize some last minute menu details, and pick out linen colors.

-Start looking into the kinds of flowers we want for our big day!

-Begin looking into Groomswear-Styles, Colors, Options, Prices

-Book honeymoon suite at Hotel and set up block of discounted rooms for out of town guests.

-Finish the wedding website!

-Start constructing invitation packets and such with response cards and info cards.

-Start looking into and saving for honeymoon (We are waiting to honeymoon until the summer, when I have off)

-Last minute check to make sure I have all the addresses I need for the invitations/didn't miss anyone

-Decide on formal wear for the grooms and get first fitting!

-Start registering for items at Bed Bath and Beyond

All of this has to be done by the end of DECEMBER!!!! Oy vey..luckily My Mom is coming up on Thursday to help me make a dent in the list :)

Friday, December 3, 2010

A week away...

If you don't want to read negativity or sadness...then don't read this post.
I'm sorry but this is my blog, and I'll write what I want.
It is my place to heal, to recover, and to vent out my frustration.

I am a week away from the day I was due to bring a baby into this world. But yet, I'm not. I have an empty uterus and a broken heart. I know that the next week or so, I will be very much a shell of a person...functioning on autopilot, getting away with bare minimums.

I feel like my heart is broken. I feel like I need to take a vacation...and get away from it all.

It kills me going into work every day seeing the kids and knowing that I SHOULD be getting ready to have a baby, be HUGE, and going on maternity leave soon. But I'm not.

I feel so broken. I feel like I don't know what to say or do to make it better. I'm taking herbal supplements to help with my mood, and it really does help....its just hard to function when I know I am not welcoming a baby.

My cycle is due to start Dec 11th...the day after my due date....I don't know what kind of irony that is, but I don't like it ONE bit.

This month's posts probably wont be pretty...but I need to get through this..the only way I know how

I want to be pregnant again...with a fierceness that consumes my very soul.

Our Journey towards Making a Family

Long Version : Our Journey Blog Post
Go here to learn about how we got our start..and where we are now!

Short Version:
11-28-2008- Started Dating

2-14-2010- Got Engaged :)

4-3-2010- First Positive Test- Baby 1 due 12/10/10

5-1-2010- Miscarriage at 8wks2days

12-10-2010- Estimated Due Date for Baby 1

5-5-2011- Second Positive Test- Baby 2 due 1-12-12
5-7-2011- We are Married!! :)
5-14-2011- Miscarriage at 5wks2days

6-16-2011- Repeated Pregnancy Loss blood work
6-23-2011- HSG looks good!
6-23-2011- dx positive ANA- Anti Nuclear Antibodies

07-05-2011- Rheumatologist Appointment
7-11-2011- dx Low Vitamin D levels. Start Prescription Vitamin D and baby aspirin

09/2011- Officially No Longer Preventing

10/5/11-First cycle Actively Trying. AF shows up

11/21/11-Celiac Bloodwork Negative, Vit D still lower than normal, start another prescription. Continue prenatals with Vit. D as well

01-12-12-Estimated Due Date for Baby 2
01/12-Vit D in normal range, start over the counter Daily Calcium with Vit D supplement per Rhuematologist.

2/15/12-Appt with new Ob who is more proactive with Progesterone Testing-suspects progesterone issues.

2/15/12- 5/9/12-Stop trying and start new charting method (Creighton) to watch for hormone imbalance.