Wednesday, September 29, 2010

And I wonder...who you'd be today.

"I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell her (him) about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold her (him) on your lap and tell her (him) about me?"-Unknown

Just missin some lost loved ones a lot today. I miss my Mom Mom the most. I just hope she's cradling my little boy up there and tellin him how much I miss him too...

Monday, September 27, 2010

Meet Me Monday :)

I have done several about me posts. And I feel like most of you, probably know a lot about me. But if you have anything you want to know, ask me in a comment and because it is Meet Me Monday, I promise I will answer ANY question you ask, in a blogpost tonight or tomorrow :)

In return, I may ask you a question or too, in hopes of getting to know you better! :)

Here I am with my sister :) I am in the red dress, my sister is in the wedding dress. 

PS sorry about the gratuitous cleavage shot, I just really like how my face looks in this picture lol

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Just a quick post..not feeling well.

My sister gave me her cold...the brat. Not really feeling up to posting lately...I'll go wordless for now.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Forbidden Fruit- Written October 2008, ironically one month before I met Nick :)

I'm in a really wierd mood today...nauseous, exhausted and overly emotional. EW. Not a great all.    My only guess is that Aunt Flo will soon be on her way....Greaaat. -TOTAL sarcasm.

In other news..found this old poem, and it semi-brightened my spirits...but made me really miss Nick ;) Just for clarification, this is not written about any specific person, although it now does describe Nick and I pretty good lol.  I was just in a mood when I wrote it...;)

Forbidden Fruit

A dark whisper consumes me

A shadow touches my soul

Reaching deeper, delving harder into the unkown

I am awakened.

Mystery calls to me, a jealous pixie

Emotions surge, secrets claw their way out

A whisper against my ear, a shiver down my spine

Lips aching to be kissed, and hands longing to touch

A hidden feeling, a want for more

You are the forbidden fruit

Chemistry realized, chances found

Darkness consumes and I am she

Mystery grabs my heart and turns it cold

I turn my head and fall to the flame

Its fire burns, lapping at my body

Scorching heat consumes us, darkness welcomes us in

Bittersweet satisfaction

Temptation overtakes me.

Mystery has won

You and I are one.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Repost: Rememberance. In Honor of 9/11

Nature paid its own rememberance today...the skies were dull and cloudy and a light rain continually fell from the sky. The emotions in the air were dismal and the city seemed to lag. Six years ago, our lives changed forever, altering this earth as we know it and eternally stamping our history books. There will always be a day when we look back, this will always be an event to be remembered, whether its six years or sixty. Looking at it all, I'm forced to recall how much I've paid attention to friends, family. I know I could do better, but I also feel that I've tried very hard to stick with those that have also stuck with me. Can you say the same? Are you letting work, relationships, or life in general get in your way? How long has it been since you've sat down and appreciated what you have? Are you really grateful for everything that God's blessed you with, or will it be a matter of time before you start wanting more?

Material things are not the answer people....objects break, toys die, colors fade, jewels lose their luster. The strongest, most secure buildings are threatened every day, and some day all of the things we work so hard for, all the money, cars, nice houses, it will all be gone. It's hard to swallow isn't it? I know all too well that it is. We all wish for that cookie cutter life, the one we've been planning since we were old enough to understand the reality behind the brick walls of a school, office, or dorm room. For some, the realization comes fast and lasts long. Something they're tossed into due to life circumstances. A seven year old forced to feed and clothe his baby sister every night, while joining a gang to feel family and brotherhood, selling drugs and running stolen goods to secrete locations to make a couple extra bucks for his family. For others, the realization only happens when all of a sudden life isn't so easy anymore. Unfortunately sometimes it takes a big event like 9/11 to wake up some of the most influential business minded people. Maybe the woman that spent every day at work only to see her children once in a while, buried in duties and running from responsibility. When one day the office down the street catches fire, people are injured, and everything is lost. That day she leaves work early and spends the first day in over a year, playing on the floor with her kids and crying at the little things like their giggle or the chance to bake cookies with them. Of course these are extreme and mediums exist. I'm not saying material things aren't nice and don't make life easier. Hell, I have a dishwasher now and absolutely love it. I'm just wondering how much value we place in all this STUFF when we should really be focused on family, friends and at least trying to LOVE one another and get along.

Someone cut you off on the highway? So what, they must need to get somewhere faster than you do. Pray they get there safely. You're daughter just used an entire can of shaving cream to create her own personal drawing pad on the shower wall? Big deal get down on your knees and draw pictures with her. Have fun. Soak it in. It won't last forever.

That said, what really is the use in all the hate? So your next door neighbor just told you he was gay. Big deal. It's not your job to judge him no matter what you believe. Wish him well, and move on. Your best friend completely ditches you? Ouch. That sucks. Pray, grieve, and thank God for the friends you'll make that will be completely for you and not against you. There is no telling what's in store...and I for one don't want to be the person that regrets missing what could have been the best years of my life because I was too busy complaining about what I don't have or what needs to be better. We all have our tough, lonely days. But its days like that I thank God for my friends and my family because they pull me through. We all need, desire and long for love and acceptance. But the ultimate truth is, whether your religious or not, that really we avoid it. We avoid love from everyone at first at least. We're afraid to trust and give our full hearts. Even when we do we sometimes second guess ourselves.

This is the hardest truth for me to face...I'd rather not be hurt again. I'd rather not go through another heart break..but through each one I've grown and I've learned. Each one has given me something to take back. Some were life lessons, and others were just things I hadn't yet discovered about my own self. Whatever the case, I now know, what it is I don't want and what I do out of a relationship and its helping me be a lot more selective with whom I spend my time. (don't forget this was written in 07...waay before Nick)

Now some of you may read this and claim that its all bull because of today being 9/11 but in all truth its really been things that have been on my mind for a long time. Today just brought a lot of it to light, not to mention some of my own life circumstances have now changed me and the way I look at things. I am no way prepared to handle life on my own, and I believe that first and foremost God, is going to help me do that. But, I also believe that my friends and family are going to be God's helping hands here on Earth for those days when maybe God seems a little far away or I just need a little more help trusting the situations and people around me.

No matter what you believe, please don't just let this be another day you let go by no matter if its 9/11 or not. Let people be there for you, share your feelings and let go of it all. Carrying it around is doing you no good. And please, if anyone out there needs anything...maybe I could be that person for you. So I haven't been before..well theres no harm in letting me try now.

I thank God each and every day for ALL of my friends and family and I'm sorry if you haven't heard that from me in a while. Good days and bad, we always have to remember life's essentials. Live. Laugh. Love



Friday, September 10, 2010

Loving is Believing-Written May 2008

In life we're faced with choices, sometimes never knowing what to chose

We take a leap of faith just prayin to win or gracefully lose

Our decisions make us, our lives can't break us

And this is what its about

Its about waking up in the arms of someone you love

Reaching out to our God above

Its about laughter and fun, and work and play

Its about living is if tommorow is our last and only day

Life is a journey, each person following a path of their own

One day looking back only to find that a new person has grown

If we're lucky enough to have it a path can cross with another

Love and harmony, supporting sisters and brothers

Deeper than that, our paths may merge into something greater

A deep connection some find early in life and others later

I don't know all the answers and I don't claim to be perfect

But I do know a few secrets, living, loving and treating all with respect

Just the same, we can't be people pleasers forever

Sometimes we make choices, and whether right or wrong

Its up to us to discover how to live out our heartsong.

Happiness flows and smiles come easy

To find it even in saddness and despair...thats when you know

Loving is believing.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I wish I had told more people.

I wish I had told more people. Just like the last paragraph says, the hardest part has been keeping the whole damn thing a secret from the people that mean the most. I've been through the hardest thing, EVER, and I can't even talk about it to most. The pictures are gone, the test has long been thrown away, its almost like this whole thing never existed. Except for the few pictures from D.C. in which I'm pregnant, and no one knows, and except for my broken heart. Thats it....

Thats. It.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Desperation-Written April 2008


It’s hard to put to words, the desperation I feel

We work, we play, we cry, we heal

So many words, so little time

Streets filled with desperation, senseless crime

Where to turn when the nights get cold

Get rich schemes getting old....

Wearing our hearts, on our sleeves...

Struggling to hold tight to our beliefs...

Putting it all out on the line...

Is it too late...are we out of time?

Saturday, September 4, 2010

The Dejected Walk Alone-Written in February 2008

The Dejected Walk Alone

Sick of the looks, angry words and stares

A world full of doubt, distate and smite

It's nothing but the best for you isn't it

It has to be one way or no way

The world calls its minions to the surface

Angry claws ripping, pulling, scarring my heart

Words fail to express, tears fall down and emotions sink

Why can't we let it die, and reduce this strife that fills our lives

Love has lost its hold, it exists no longer

Nothing but anger, a simmering pot of attitude

Everyone ones at fault how do you solve this

No one changes, no one insists that things be different

Gone is the world of communication and compromise

Hello to world full of unfair actions and hurtful words

Instead of helping each other we choose to take it out on others

Why can't it be different, why can't it be the way its supposed to be

Why does it have to be this way

I'm sure that several only see one side of this convoluted story

Feel free to make your judgements and choose your sides

The truth is, I've picked myself up before when nothing went the right way

I'll do it again. I don't need you to believe me or understand

Only I will ever know the non existent harmony that is my home.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Hey Monkey...

Hey Monkey,

I still miss you. Four months ago today, I was in a hospital room bawling with my sister because I was losing you. I miss you so much. It's getting easier, but each time it gets easier I only remember I'm getting closer to when you were supposed to be here. 3 months and nine days...Thats how long till what was supposed to be your due date.  Not looking forward to that day, At ALL.

Tell Mom Mom, Nicole and Nick's grandpap we say Hi. Keep sending the dragonflies as long as you can, they make me smile! And please tell Nicole thanks for the white butterflies and if she can visit Dad and show him she's there, it would be REALLY great. He's really missing her.

Our Journey towards Making a Family

Long Version : Our Journey Blog Post
Go here to learn about how we got our start..and where we are now!

Short Version:
11-28-2008- Started Dating

2-14-2010- Got Engaged :)

4-3-2010- First Positive Test- Baby 1 due 12/10/10

5-1-2010- Miscarriage at 8wks2days

12-10-2010- Estimated Due Date for Baby 1

5-5-2011- Second Positive Test- Baby 2 due 1-12-12
5-7-2011- We are Married!! :)
5-14-2011- Miscarriage at 5wks2days

6-16-2011- Repeated Pregnancy Loss blood work
6-23-2011- HSG looks good!
6-23-2011- dx positive ANA- Anti Nuclear Antibodies

07-05-2011- Rheumatologist Appointment
7-11-2011- dx Low Vitamin D levels. Start Prescription Vitamin D and baby aspirin

09/2011- Officially No Longer Preventing

10/5/11-First cycle Actively Trying. AF shows up

11/21/11-Celiac Bloodwork Negative, Vit D still lower than normal, start another prescription. Continue prenatals with Vit. D as well

01-12-12-Estimated Due Date for Baby 2
01/12-Vit D in normal range, start over the counter Daily Calcium with Vit D supplement per Rhuematologist.

2/15/12-Appt with new Ob who is more proactive with Progesterone Testing-suspects progesterone issues.

2/15/12- 5/9/12-Stop trying and start new charting method (Creighton) to watch for hormone imbalance.