Nature paid its own rememberance today...the skies were dull and cloudy and a light rain continually fell from the sky. The emotions in the air were dismal and the city seemed to lag. Six years ago, our lives changed forever, altering this earth as we know it and eternally stamping our history books. There will always be a day when we look back, this will always be an event to be remembered, whether its six years or sixty. Looking at it all, I'm forced to recall how much I've paid attention to friends, family. I know I could do better, but I also feel that I've tried very hard to stick with those that have also stuck with me. Can you say the same? Are you letting work, relationships, or life in general get in your way? How long has it been since you've sat down and appreciated what you have? Are you really grateful for everything that God's blessed you with, or will it be a matter of time before you start wanting more?
Material things are not the answer people....objects break, toys die, colors fade, jewels lose their luster. The strongest, most secure buildings are threatened every day, and some day all of the things we work so hard for, all the money, cars, nice houses, it will all be gone. It's hard to swallow isn't it? I know all too well that it is. We all wish for that cookie cutter life, the one we've been planning since we were old enough to understand the reality behind the brick walls of a school, office, or dorm room. For some, the realization comes fast and lasts long. Something they're tossed into due to life circumstances. A seven year old forced to feed and clothe his baby sister every night, while joining a gang to feel family and brotherhood, selling drugs and running stolen goods to secrete locations to make a couple extra bucks for his family. For others, the realization only happens when all of a sudden life isn't so easy anymore. Unfortunately sometimes it takes a big event like 9/11 to wake up some of the most influential business minded people. Maybe the woman that spent every day at work only to see her children once in a while, buried in duties and running from responsibility. When one day the office down the street catches fire, people are injured, and everything is lost. That day she leaves work early and spends the first day in over a year, playing on the floor with her kids and crying at the little things like their giggle or the chance to bake cookies with them. Of course these are extreme and mediums exist. I'm not saying material things aren't nice and don't make life easier. Hell, I have a dishwasher now and absolutely love it. I'm just wondering how much value we place in all this STUFF when we should really be focused on family, friends and at least trying to LOVE one another and get along.
Someone cut you off on the highway? So what, they must need to get somewhere faster than you do. Pray they get there safely. You're daughter just used an entire can of shaving cream to create her own personal drawing pad on the shower wall? Big deal get down on your knees and draw pictures with her. Have fun. Soak it in. It won't last forever.
That said, what really is the use in all the hate? So your next door neighbor just told you he was gay. Big deal. It's not your job to judge him no matter what you believe. Wish him well, and move on. Your best friend completely ditches you? Ouch. That sucks. Pray, grieve, and thank God for the friends you'll make that will be completely for you and not against you. There is no telling what's in store...and I for one don't want to be the person that regrets missing what could have been the best years of my life because I was too busy complaining about what I don't have or what needs to be better. We all have our tough, lonely days. But its days like that I thank God for my friends and my family because they pull me through. We all need, desire and long for love and acceptance. But the ultimate truth is, whether your religious or not, that really we avoid it. We avoid love from everyone at first at least. We're afraid to trust and give our full hearts. Even when we do we sometimes second guess ourselves.
This is the hardest truth for me to face...I'd rather not be hurt again. I'd rather not go through another heart break..but through each one I've grown and I've learned. Each one has given me something to take back. Some were life lessons, and others were just things I hadn't yet discovered about my own self. Whatever the case, I now know, what it is I don't want and what I do out of a relationship and its helping me be a lot more selective with whom I spend my time. (don't forget this was written in 07...waay before Nick)
Now some of you may read this and claim that its all bull because of today being 9/11 but in all truth its really been things that have been on my mind for a long time. Today just brought a lot of it to light, not to mention some of my own life circumstances have now changed me and the way I look at things. I am no way prepared to handle life on my own, and I believe that first and foremost God, is going to help me do that. But, I also believe that my friends and family are going to be God's helping hands here on Earth for those days when maybe God seems a little far away or I just need a little more help trusting the situations and people around me.
No matter what you believe, please don't just let this be another day you let go by no matter if its 9/11 or not. Let people be there for you, share your feelings and let go of it all. Carrying it around is doing you no good. And please, if anyone out there needs anything...maybe I could be that person for you. So I haven't been before..well theres no harm in letting me try now.
I thank God each and every day for ALL of my friends and family and I'm sorry if you haven't heard that from me in a while. Good days and bad, we always have to remember life's essentials. Live. Laugh. Love
<3Lindsey
9/11/2007
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
My Bucket List....with updates, accomplishments, and a side note.
It's almost 10pm...Tuesday. Nick should be getting off work soon. It's quiet here. I'm lying on the couch looking at the frame we made for the baby. Its a card I got from winning a give away on an AWESOME blog of a blog friend of mine. Shannon has a new blog now, named, Eat, Pray, Love, Live! and she is a follower of me. You should check out her blog if you have time. She is one AWESOME lady.
Anyway because of her, and her blog, the arbor day foundation planted ten trees in honor of my lost little one. I looked down at todays date and for the umpteenth time realized it was the tenth. I don't like that number now...neither do I like the first for similar reasons...you can imagine the emotional confusion on my birthday. Anyway...I realize again its the 10th, which only means I'm FOUR months away from what was supposed to be my due date. Barf.
But realizing that, made me also realize that December is knowingly going to be hard for me. Even after my due date has come and gone, Christmas I will be a wreck thinking of all the things I should be doing with a newborn thats not here. Gosh that kills me.
I've been really emotional lately about all of this, and I'm not entirely sure why, only thing I can figure is just the stress of it all finally catching up with me. I made up my mind to do something about it. Hopefully, soon, I will be meeting with a...yikes, THERAPIST, to talk it out and see where my tears and anxiety keep stemming from. But within that big choice and change I made the realization that this new year will truly be a changing year for me. My due date will be behind me, my wedding will be months away and I really will be getting a fresh start. So in honor of this, I decided to dig up my old Bucket List, to see what I've accomplished and if anything needs edited or if my sentiments have changed...
Without further ado..."The List"
1. Graduate with high honors from Shippensburg University
Graduated, Suma Cum Laude, May 07
2. Get my own apartment after graduation, either by myself or with a friend that can help with expenses.
Accomplished three times over, now renting a condo with my Fiance! :)
3. Establish good credit.
Got to check it for free, everything I have is in the green!
4. Meet the man God has intended for me to spend my life with and marry him.
We're halfway there...I got engaged to the man I believe God chose for me on Valentines Day 2010. We will be married May 7, 2011. Less than Nine months from Now!!!
5. Become a kindergarten teacher.
Not yet, but I have subbed in Kindergarten and I hope to go back to subbing and maybe eventually find a teaching job after Nick and I are married, that way I have stable benefits. For now, I enjoy my job as a preschool teacher with Headstart. I am important. I pave the way FOR kindgergarten. I make sure they're ready.
6. Have a nice home with my husband that is all of my own interior design.
Not yet, but we do have a condo that my fiance and I have decorated. Eventually WE will have a home. So this one is in italics too so i see it needs done.
7. Lose weight and get in shape.
UGH, this is SUCH an ongoing battle. Everytime I lose weight, I gain it back again. And now after a pregnancy, its just that much harder...:(
8. Have my own garden in my backyard complete with lots of flowers, trees, a hammock and maybe even a pond.
9. Own two dogs.
I have one dog, named Lexi. She is an adoreable Chiuaua/Pomeranian/Jack Russel/Pug mix and I lover her to DEATH. I can't have her in my condo though. Someday, in our home. We will have two.
10. Join a Hip/Hop dance class
11. Have between 2-4 children.
This one stings. I consider myself a mother, but yet...I have no physical children to show for it. One day I will get my sticky rainbow baby(ies)...I swear I will.
12. Visit Ireland
13. Sing in front of my whole church.
It's amazing how much more confident I am with my singing and my voice. I really enjoy blessing people with my talent, although stage fright does occasionally take over. However this goal has been accomplished.
14. Take vocal lessons.
I almost did this...who knows maybe one day I still will.
15. Volunteer at a home for unwed mothers and their children.
I still want to volunteer at maybe a soup kitchen or women's shelter somewhere, but I'm not sure how to start that...maybe I'll look into it soon.
16. Learn to cook beyond the things I already know.
This is one of those goals, I'm not sure will ever be fully realized, only because the more I learn about cooking and baking, the more I want to know. I love it. I've gotten good, but could be better, so for now, I'm leaving this one italicized.
17. Pay off all my loans.
Ha...work in progress.
18. Get a Subaru WRX.
19. Be a good friend.
20. Visit the Butterfly Conservatory.
I think when I originally wrote this I meant the new one in Hershey? If its still there next year around peak season, I will go, and I WILL take my sister, my Mom and Hailey-Rose, and hopefully Melanie and Raelynn will be able to come too!
21. Volunteer in the NICU at the hospital.
York Hospital used to have a program where you could be a volunteer and come in and hold babies in the NICU- I think it was called touch therapy or something. But with stricter regulations now, moving to a new place and the baby loss, I'm not sure anymore that this one is possible.
22. Take a road trip.
23. Go to the Beach!
I honestly don't remember the last time I went to the beach. I can't wait to go sometime.
24. Visit Assateague Island
I've always wanted to see the wild ponies. This can work with the one above lol!
25. Go on a cruise to an island in the Carribean.
Honeymoon????
26. Set up a retirement fund.
27. Be the best mother I know how to be.
28. Pay my Mom back.
While I'm slowly working on paying my Mom back, she is one of the most giving and generous people I know. I'm not sure I'll ever completely be able to repay everything she's done for me. I love you Mom.
29. Impress everyone at my first high school reunion.
We didn't have a five year, so hopefully, I can do this at our ten year, in 2013.
30. Set up savings accounts to help my children go to college.
31. Be healthy and happy as much as possible.
Still workin on it...but tryin, none the less....
32. Start a journal of Praise to God thanking him each day.
33. Swim with Dolphins.
34. Be a great wife.
35. Go on a hot air balloon ride.
36. Adopt a child from overseas.
37. Write more.
I think I've got a pretty good start with this blog...we shall see what happens!
38. Create a scrapbook documenting my life that I am proud of.
39. Start a scrapbook for each of my children the day they are born to be given to them the day they turn 18.
40. Visit Shippensburg University with my children, and other colleges of their choice.
41. Learn how to create a budget for my household and become better at saving money.
42. Learn how to drive a stick shift.
43. Still be vibrant and active when I am over 60.
44. Take acting classes and possibly audition for a few shows.
I graduated from Barbizon Modeling school where I learned a lot about acting. I was told I was one of the best, they really wanted me to go to IMTA to be seen by scouts...but I didn't have 5 grand. Maybe I'll look around here and see if I can find some community theaters...I know there is one in Mechanicsburg.
45. Visit a dermatologist about my skin.
46. Design the most amazing nursery for each of my kids.
47. Go back to school for my masters either in ESL or Early Childhood.
48. Meet Billy Ray Cyrus.
I still can't believe I accomplished this. I've seen him in concert TWICE at the American Music Theater in Lancaster, once when I was around 20 I believe-FRONT row, and again with my sister just last year.
49. Publish my poetry.
I still can't believe I accomplished this one either. But thanks to Poetry.com, one of my poems is now published in a book. The book is titled Forever Spoken. It features many poems that were submitted, but still, I'm a published author!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000TK80P8/ref=cm_cr_rev_prod_title
^ Copy and paste this link into your URL to see the book on Amazon.com
50. Drive a classic antique car.
51. Go to a Nascar race with my Daddy.
52. Go on my Church's camping retreat.
Accomplished..oh the memories!! :)
53. Visit California.
54. Finally experience travel on a plane.
Accomplished when I flew to Florida and Washington.
55. Go to a movie premiere.
56. Go to a Coyote Ugly bar.
57.Visit New York City again.
58. See "The Blue Man Group" perform.
59. Attend and perform at an Open Mic Night.
60. Go to Austraila
61. See STOMP
62. Visit Florida again with Nick. He's never been on a Plane or to Disney World.
63. Go to the gym regularly
I start going, and then I always stop. Hopefully I can change that soon.
64. Develop my interests in photography
This is starting to be accomplished. I just want to take a few classes to expand on what I'm already good at and get a better camera.
65. Instill values, morals and respect in my children.
66. Succeed as a stay at home mom.
67. See the Ball Drop from Times Square in NY
68. Kiss in the rain
Accomplished.
69. Make snow angels with my children
70. Visit a talent agency
Barbizon Modeling and Talent Agency.
71. Be on a Game Show.
72. Visit Myrtle Beach
73. Try out for a show at York Little Theater
Accomplished. Tried out for Grease but didn't make the show due to the fact that I would miss a week of rehersals due to going to Florida as a Nanny.
74. Sing Karaoke at a bar.
Accomplished
75. Get one of those plaster of paris belly mold's done when I'm pregnant.
76. Work or volunteer with my church.
Accomplished several times over.
100. Be thankful for the time I have on this Earth and the things that I have.
Anyway because of her, and her blog, the arbor day foundation planted ten trees in honor of my lost little one. I looked down at todays date and for the umpteenth time realized it was the tenth. I don't like that number now...neither do I like the first for similar reasons...you can imagine the emotional confusion on my birthday. Anyway...I realize again its the 10th, which only means I'm FOUR months away from what was supposed to be my due date. Barf.
But realizing that, made me also realize that December is knowingly going to be hard for me. Even after my due date has come and gone, Christmas I will be a wreck thinking of all the things I should be doing with a newborn thats not here. Gosh that kills me.
I've been really emotional lately about all of this, and I'm not entirely sure why, only thing I can figure is just the stress of it all finally catching up with me. I made up my mind to do something about it. Hopefully, soon, I will be meeting with a...yikes, THERAPIST, to talk it out and see where my tears and anxiety keep stemming from. But within that big choice and change I made the realization that this new year will truly be a changing year for me. My due date will be behind me, my wedding will be months away and I really will be getting a fresh start. So in honor of this, I decided to dig up my old Bucket List, to see what I've accomplished and if anything needs edited or if my sentiments have changed...
Without further ado..."The List"
1. Graduate with high honors from Shippensburg University
Graduated, Suma Cum Laude, May 07
2. Get my own apartment after graduation, either by myself or with a friend that can help with expenses.
Accomplished three times over, now renting a condo with my Fiance! :)
3. Establish good credit.
Got to check it for free, everything I have is in the green!
4. Meet the man God has intended for me to spend my life with and marry him.
We're halfway there...I got engaged to the man I believe God chose for me on Valentines Day 2010. We will be married May 7, 2011. Less than Nine months from Now!!!
5. Become a kindergarten teacher.
Not yet, but I have subbed in Kindergarten and I hope to go back to subbing and maybe eventually find a teaching job after Nick and I are married, that way I have stable benefits. For now, I enjoy my job as a preschool teacher with Headstart. I am important. I pave the way FOR kindgergarten. I make sure they're ready.
6. Have a nice home with my husband that is all of my own interior design.
Not yet, but we do have a condo that my fiance and I have decorated. Eventually WE will have a home. So this one is in italics too so i see it needs done.
7. Lose weight and get in shape.
UGH, this is SUCH an ongoing battle. Everytime I lose weight, I gain it back again. And now after a pregnancy, its just that much harder...:(
8. Have my own garden in my backyard complete with lots of flowers, trees, a hammock and maybe even a pond.
9. Own two dogs.
I have one dog, named Lexi. She is an adoreable Chiuaua/Pomeranian/Jack Russel/Pug mix and I lover her to DEATH. I can't have her in my condo though. Someday, in our home. We will have two.
10. Join a Hip/Hop dance class
11. Have between 2-4 children.
This one stings. I consider myself a mother, but yet...I have no physical children to show for it. One day I will get my sticky rainbow baby(ies)...I swear I will.
12. Visit Ireland
13. Sing in front of my whole church.
It's amazing how much more confident I am with my singing and my voice. I really enjoy blessing people with my talent, although stage fright does occasionally take over. However this goal has been accomplished.
14. Take vocal lessons.
I almost did this...who knows maybe one day I still will.
15. Volunteer at a home for unwed mothers and their children.
I still want to volunteer at maybe a soup kitchen or women's shelter somewhere, but I'm not sure how to start that...maybe I'll look into it soon.
16. Learn to cook beyond the things I already know.
This is one of those goals, I'm not sure will ever be fully realized, only because the more I learn about cooking and baking, the more I want to know. I love it. I've gotten good, but could be better, so for now, I'm leaving this one italicized.
17. Pay off all my loans.
Ha...work in progress.
18. Get a Subaru WRX.
19. Be a good friend.
20. Visit the Butterfly Conservatory.
I think when I originally wrote this I meant the new one in Hershey? If its still there next year around peak season, I will go, and I WILL take my sister, my Mom and Hailey-Rose, and hopefully Melanie and Raelynn will be able to come too!
21. Volunteer in the NICU at the hospital.
York Hospital used to have a program where you could be a volunteer and come in and hold babies in the NICU- I think it was called touch therapy or something. But with stricter regulations now, moving to a new place and the baby loss, I'm not sure anymore that this one is possible.
22. Take a road trip.
23. Go to the Beach!
I honestly don't remember the last time I went to the beach. I can't wait to go sometime.
24. Visit Assateague Island
I've always wanted to see the wild ponies. This can work with the one above lol!
25. Go on a cruise to an island in the Carribean.
Honeymoon????
26. Set up a retirement fund.
27. Be the best mother I know how to be.
28. Pay my Mom back.
While I'm slowly working on paying my Mom back, she is one of the most giving and generous people I know. I'm not sure I'll ever completely be able to repay everything she's done for me. I love you Mom.
29. Impress everyone at my first high school reunion.
We didn't have a five year, so hopefully, I can do this at our ten year, in 2013.
30. Set up savings accounts to help my children go to college.
31. Be healthy and happy as much as possible.
Still workin on it...but tryin, none the less....
32. Start a journal of Praise to God thanking him each day.
33. Swim with Dolphins.
34. Be a great wife.
35. Go on a hot air balloon ride.
36. Adopt a child from overseas.
37. Write more.
I think I've got a pretty good start with this blog...we shall see what happens!
38. Create a scrapbook documenting my life that I am proud of.
39. Start a scrapbook for each of my children the day they are born to be given to them the day they turn 18.
40. Visit Shippensburg University with my children, and other colleges of their choice.
41. Learn how to create a budget for my household and become better at saving money.
42. Learn how to drive a stick shift.
43. Still be vibrant and active when I am over 60.
44. Take acting classes and possibly audition for a few shows.
I graduated from Barbizon Modeling school where I learned a lot about acting. I was told I was one of the best, they really wanted me to go to IMTA to be seen by scouts...but I didn't have 5 grand. Maybe I'll look around here and see if I can find some community theaters...I know there is one in Mechanicsburg.
45. Visit a dermatologist about my skin.
46. Design the most amazing nursery for each of my kids.
47. Go back to school for my masters either in ESL or Early Childhood.
48. Meet Billy Ray Cyrus.
I still can't believe I accomplished this. I've seen him in concert TWICE at the American Music Theater in Lancaster, once when I was around 20 I believe-FRONT row, and again with my sister just last year.
49. Publish my poetry.
I still can't believe I accomplished this one either. But thanks to Poetry.com, one of my poems is now published in a book. The book is titled Forever Spoken. It features many poems that were submitted, but still, I'm a published author!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000TK80P8/ref=cm_cr_rev_prod_title
^ Copy and paste this link into your URL to see the book on Amazon.com
50. Drive a classic antique car.
51. Go to a Nascar race with my Daddy.
52. Go on my Church's camping retreat.
Accomplished..oh the memories!! :)
53. Visit California.
54. Finally experience travel on a plane.
Accomplished when I flew to Florida and Washington.
55. Go to a movie premiere.
56. Go to a Coyote Ugly bar.
57.Visit New York City again.
58. See "The Blue Man Group" perform.
59. Attend and perform at an Open Mic Night.
60. Go to Austraila
61. See STOMP
62. Visit Florida again with Nick. He's never been on a Plane or to Disney World.
63. Go to the gym regularly
I start going, and then I always stop. Hopefully I can change that soon.
64. Develop my interests in photography
This is starting to be accomplished. I just want to take a few classes to expand on what I'm already good at and get a better camera.
65. Instill values, morals and respect in my children.
66. Succeed as a stay at home mom.
67. See the Ball Drop from Times Square in NY
68. Kiss in the rain
Accomplished.
69. Make snow angels with my children
70. Visit a talent agency
Barbizon Modeling and Talent Agency.
71. Be on a Game Show.
72. Visit Myrtle Beach
73. Try out for a show at York Little Theater
Accomplished. Tried out for Grease but didn't make the show due to the fact that I would miss a week of rehersals due to going to Florida as a Nanny.
74. Sing Karaoke at a bar.
Accomplished
75. Get one of those plaster of paris belly mold's done when I'm pregnant.
76. Work or volunteer with my church.
Accomplished several times over.
100. Be thankful for the time I have on this Earth and the things that I have.
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