Friday, December 10, 2010

My Due Date

Well, the day is finally here. I'm definitely sad. I'm trying not to think about it, really. I don't really feel much like talking.

I think I'm ready to share the letter I wrote for the baby.
And no, I'm not insane for writing a letter to my dead baby. I missed him, I wrote it, the end.
This is how I grieve, this is how I get through.
If you have any kind of, why isn't she over this yet, type of opinion-FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY-Keep it to yourself.

In honor of Baby Albright, lost on May 1st, 2010 at 8 weeks, 2 days.

                                                       Estimated Due Date: 12/10/10

Hi baby boy…

It’s mommy. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do…ever. I miss you a lot. I have a lot of words rolling around in my head right now…but I’m going to try my best to get them out. When mommy learned she was pregnant with you, I was SOOOO excited. I couldn’t wait to go to the doctor and hear your little heart and see your little face. Daddy was pretty shocked at first; and kind of worried too. I think he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to buy you all the things you would need, but let me tell you he is awesome. You’d love him.

Even though mommy lost you kind of early, I dream about you sometimes. Are you up in heaven with Mom Mom right now? Listening to her sing? She didn’t know about you when she went to be with God in Heaven, so she was probably a little surprised to see you. But I don’t doubt she’s taking really good care of you right now. She’s probably having so much fun showing you around and kissing your sweet little face.

I hope that you have eyes like Mommy and I hope you laugh and smile like Daddy…he has the best smile. To be honest, I’m not sure you were a boy…but Mommy’s instinct has always told me you were a boy so, I’m going to go with it. Lots of people were looking forward to meeting you little one…your Mommy and Daddy first of all, and also, your Mom Mom. That’s Mommy’s Mom. She is one REALLY special lady. You’ll meet her some day when she gets to heaven, but we have to keep her down here for a while longer. She has such a big heart and was so excited to have another grandbaby. She thought I would be the BEST mommy to you, and I think so too. I’m glad I got to carry you around…even for that little bit of time. I don’t know if you were sad to go, but I know you aren’t sad now…You’ve got all the angels looking after you. And, I know that you’ve been watching Mommy and Daddy go about our day. I feel it. I feel our connection still now…

Today is the day Mommy was supposed to welcome you into the world. Instead all I have is this little stuffed Monkey. It makes me think of you, since I called you my little monkey all the time. I miss you so very much little one. More than anything, I wish you could be here right now. I wish I could be planning your picture in front of a Christmas Tree. I wish we could be planning your first outing to see family. I wish you could be here for your first Christmas and your first snowfall. You’re not here though, and it hurts. A lot. I hope you are okay up there. Tell everyone up there with you that we said we miss you. I love you baby boy, with my entire heart.

One other thing my beautiful angel…mommy is so sorry you had to go. But mommy also really wants to have some babies that get to stay down here on Earth with me. You will always be my first baby. But, I also want to have lots of brothers and sisters for you to meet some day too. So, please talk to God for me and ask Him to help me with that if you could. And please, don’t be sad when it happens because I could never replace you. You were my first baby, and now, my own guardian angel. Just know that I live on in remembrance of you and that one day, hopefully far in the future, we will meet again.

Mommy loves you and misses you very, very much.


1 comment:

  1. I love this, I cried reading it, but I LOVED IT! You're not the only one I know who did this exact same thing, in fact, it's fairly common. And booooo on anyone who can't handle your grieving process, just forward me the names. You know I carry a gun.....


Our Journey towards Making a Family

Long Version : Our Journey Blog Post
Go here to learn about how we got our start..and where we are now!

Short Version:
11-28-2008- Started Dating

2-14-2010- Got Engaged :)

4-3-2010- First Positive Test- Baby 1 due 12/10/10

5-1-2010- Miscarriage at 8wks2days

12-10-2010- Estimated Due Date for Baby 1

5-5-2011- Second Positive Test- Baby 2 due 1-12-12
5-7-2011- We are Married!! :)
5-14-2011- Miscarriage at 5wks2days

6-16-2011- Repeated Pregnancy Loss blood work
6-23-2011- HSG looks good!
6-23-2011- dx positive ANA- Anti Nuclear Antibodies

07-05-2011- Rheumatologist Appointment
7-11-2011- dx Low Vitamin D levels. Start Prescription Vitamin D and baby aspirin

09/2011- Officially No Longer Preventing

10/5/11-First cycle Actively Trying. AF shows up

11/21/11-Celiac Bloodwork Negative, Vit D still lower than normal, start another prescription. Continue prenatals with Vit. D as well

01-12-12-Estimated Due Date for Baby 2
01/12-Vit D in normal range, start over the counter Daily Calcium with Vit D supplement per Rhuematologist.

2/15/12-Appt with new Ob who is more proactive with Progesterone Testing-suspects progesterone issues.

2/15/12- 5/9/12-Stop trying and start new charting method (Creighton) to watch for hormone imbalance.