Monday, August 9, 2010

Black Ice, One of My Favorite Poems, Written in June 2006

Black Ice
Preacher man talks about anxiety, hate and fear

I feel like a fake and try to hide my tears

It doesn't seem to matter now that my smile is rarely real

I don't know if anyone could ever understand how I feel

The tears I cry are pointless but help to ease the pain

They fall down my cheeks somberly like early morning rain

I crave to have back my childhood but in a different light

Never did I ever win my father's fight

The bruises are long gone now, but forever scarred is my heart

My dreams and my reality harshly ripped apart

Its hard to forget times like those, especially now as I put up my guard

You see no one can climb these walls, and even if they did they wouldn't get far

Forget the past, everyone says, move on with your life

I've tried and at times I've succeeded and I'm still holding on tight

Holding tight to the notion, that somehow I'll survive

Trying desperately not to let anyone catch me living the lie

I love God and I trust Him, but I'm scared its not enough

Not even I can seem to breach those walls I've built so tough

Only today did I realize that I have been doing this to myself

But how do I put all this hurt away, like some old toy upon a shelf

My fearful tears consume me, and bottled rage comes out

I want to hurt everyone that has ever hurt me...I want to kick and scream and shout

I'm so sick of not knowing what my life may bring, and having issues with control

All I know is all my hiding has started to take its toll

I'm not some poor man's Sandra Dee or some stupid Goody Two Shoes

But why is it up to me to have to chose

Can't anyone be happy with the person that is all of me

One part angel, one part devil and a little of something in between

The words flow from me like a long dried up fountain

I will stay quiet no longer and I will rise again

Is it true that I'm afraid I'll never be good enough, even for the most high God

Is it true that I've held on to all of this because I'm afraid to break down the facade

I'm admist all this confusion and I don't know what to do

The worst is feeling like I have no one to turn to

No one wants to hear this story over and over like a worn out record

I just need to cry and I need to be held

But I won't, I'll hold it all in and my heart, once that of an innocent child

Is slowly freezing, nothing more than black ice waiting to shatter

I'm beginning to think I can't do anything right, but what does it matter

Attention world, society and all shameless guys...tonight we're serving Lindsey on a platter

I've been the friend, and the fun fling, and I've even been the other woman, a freaking lifetime special in the making

I'm never good enough for more than just some mindless conversation, but wait, my body apparently thats yours for the taking

No one will ever hurt me like that again, of that I'm sure

It is my solemn vow to somehow in this den of iniquity we call the world, to remain pure

I struggle every day to regain control in any way possible, and sometimes I do

The access to my heart and mind is given only to a chosen few

Until now I had decided to stay quiet and let the world keep going with me on its chopping block

Somehow, someway, it has to stop


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Our Journey towards Making a Family

Long Version : Our Journey Blog Post
Go here to learn about how we got our start..and where we are now!

Short Version:
11-28-2008- Started Dating

2-14-2010- Got Engaged :)

4-3-2010- First Positive Test- Baby 1 due 12/10/10

5-1-2010- Miscarriage at 8wks2days

12-10-2010- Estimated Due Date for Baby 1

5-5-2011- Second Positive Test- Baby 2 due 1-12-12
5-7-2011- We are Married!! :)
5-14-2011- Miscarriage at 5wks2days

6-16-2011- Repeated Pregnancy Loss blood work
6-23-2011- HSG looks good!
6-23-2011- dx positive ANA- Anti Nuclear Antibodies

07-05-2011- Rheumatologist Appointment
7-11-2011- dx Low Vitamin D levels. Start Prescription Vitamin D and baby aspirin

09/2011- Officially No Longer Preventing

10/5/11-First cycle Actively Trying. AF shows up

11/21/11-Celiac Bloodwork Negative, Vit D still lower than normal, start another prescription. Continue prenatals with Vit. D as well

01-12-12-Estimated Due Date for Baby 2
01/12-Vit D in normal range, start over the counter Daily Calcium with Vit D supplement per Rhuematologist.

2/15/12-Appt with new Ob who is more proactive with Progesterone Testing-suspects progesterone issues.

2/15/12- 5/9/12-Stop trying and start new charting method (Creighton) to watch for hormone imbalance.