Friday, June 10, 2011


I guess it's time I talk about this. I apologize in advance if it doesn't make any sense...I just need to get it out. p.s. it may also be your version of TMI...warning you all now.

Well, a while back we found out I was pregnant again, it wasn't expected at all, but we were very very excited. I was throwing up before I even found out, and continued to throw up almost every day since. I thought this was a good sign, but unfortunately I experienced another miscarriage. The baby was due January 12, 2012.

Unless you've been there, you can never understand what it's like to lose not one, but two babies (or more, as is the case with many :( ). You can't understand what it feels like to feel that there is something wrong with you, and you are incapable of keeping your babies safe. Unless you've been there you'll never understand completely, what it's like, to feel like you are letting down your spouse and causing more friction in your marriage than necessary. For those that do heart breaks for all of us.

Yesterday, my husband and I went to see my Obgyn. He was very understanding and supportive. I really like this new doctor. He is being very proactive and has really taken a personal effort with us. He is devoted to getting us a baby and wants the third time to be a charm. We talked about the normal stuff, how it's not my fault, that getting pregnant isn't my problem, it's staying that way. We have to wait two cycles to try again, that way if any of the tests come back positive, we can make an effort to fix them before we try to conceive. We should be able to try to conceive in August. They don't believe they'll need to do any testing on Nick, but are running the gamut on me. Thyroid, glucose, hormones, yadda, yadda. That's another thing someone who hasn't been there would never start feeling like a human pin cushion.

The doctor did an exam, and said everything looks good. At the end of the appointment he handed me a said Infertility Nurse on it. That hit me kind of hard. I just can't believe I've reached this point. It's not fair. It's not fair that some people have kids so easily, or when they're not ready. Here we are ready, financially capable, and dreaming of kids instead of having a 6 month old (WOW, I can't believe he'd be six months today...) and expecting another.

Once I get my first cycle after the miscarriage, I have to call the Infertility Nurse to schedule an HSG. It's this really long word that basically means I get a tube put into my uterus and dye shot into it to make sure things are the way they are supposed to be....I've heard it's pretty painful. Greaaaat.

At the end of the day, everything I go through will be worth it. If I could only have a healthy baby or two. I will do whatever it takes to get that. I would die for that. I'm going to try my best to stay positive. WHEN I get pregnant again, you can bet that I will love every moment. You can bet that I won't be complaining about one symptom. You can bet that everyday I will be thankful, because I know pregnancy is something to be cherished and I will remember what we went through to get there.

To my angels...I miss you. So very much...and I'm so very sorry. <3


  1. AWW Linz my heart breaks for you. I know how you feel I'm right there with you. If you need anything PLEASE call me. I had and HSG a few weeks ago it's wasn't that bad only a few cramps. Huge hugs, and lots of prayers to you and Nick. Please keep me updated.

  2. (((Lindsey))) While you're right I have no idea what it's like to lose a child I'm carrying, and like so many other experiences, you don't truly know or understand unless you've experienced them, I know that bond that you have once the life is created and I can only imagine what a black hole it leaves in your heart, body, and heart just breaks for you.

    Infertility is a scary word...that year and a half we spent trying and trying and trying to just get pregnant was so hard, I really do know what you mean when you feel like it's your fault (even though logically you know it's not like you're doing it on purpose). In our case, it is me who has the issues and it makes me feel inadequate. I just had all of the same blood work done yesterday (and had it done years ago as do feel like a pincushion and a science experiment)...and if we can't have more, I do feel so very blessed to have my girls and I feel like no matter how hard parenting can be or how frustrating things can be with children, that having a hard time getting pregnant made me take things less for granted so I know where you are coming from there. I won't say I have never or will never complain about anything, but I'm greatful for all of it, and I pray that you can find answers and a solution to ensure that you are able to cradle your baby in your arms soon.

  3. I remember how I felt the first time I actually had to be seen for "infertility" I knew it was there. (I had to be a little more proactive about it) I knew it was an issue, but for it to be right there in black and white...It's hard.

    I'm finding a lot of comfort in my faith. It really does help.

    There is a CD I listened to over and over and over when I was dealing with all the tests and stuff. It's by Kerrie Roberts. It's the only one she has out. I will try to find one of the videos and post it to your wall.

    There's a book you should get. It's AWESOME. Well, actually 2 books. The first is The Conception Chronicles. Best infertility book ever. I laughed, I cried...and I felt like I had finally found someone who understood. The other is A Few Good Eggs. That one's not as funny, but just as good. 2 years later, and I'm still reading them :)


Our Journey towards Making a Family

Long Version : Our Journey Blog Post
Go here to learn about how we got our start..and where we are now!

Short Version:
11-28-2008- Started Dating

2-14-2010- Got Engaged :)

4-3-2010- First Positive Test- Baby 1 due 12/10/10

5-1-2010- Miscarriage at 8wks2days

12-10-2010- Estimated Due Date for Baby 1

5-5-2011- Second Positive Test- Baby 2 due 1-12-12
5-7-2011- We are Married!! :)
5-14-2011- Miscarriage at 5wks2days

6-16-2011- Repeated Pregnancy Loss blood work
6-23-2011- HSG looks good!
6-23-2011- dx positive ANA- Anti Nuclear Antibodies

07-05-2011- Rheumatologist Appointment
7-11-2011- dx Low Vitamin D levels. Start Prescription Vitamin D and baby aspirin

09/2011- Officially No Longer Preventing

10/5/11-First cycle Actively Trying. AF shows up

11/21/11-Celiac Bloodwork Negative, Vit D still lower than normal, start another prescription. Continue prenatals with Vit. D as well

01-12-12-Estimated Due Date for Baby 2
01/12-Vit D in normal range, start over the counter Daily Calcium with Vit D supplement per Rhuematologist.

2/15/12-Appt with new Ob who is more proactive with Progesterone Testing-suspects progesterone issues.

2/15/12- 5/9/12-Stop trying and start new charting method (Creighton) to watch for hormone imbalance.