Sunday, April 3, 2011

One Year Ago Today...

Let's back track a bit before I tell you about a year ago today.

I kind of knew something was off, a bit before this day. I was exceptionally tired. My acne on my face was strangely absent. I hadn't seen my face that clear in months. My chest was so painful I could barely sleep on my stomach. But, I had cramps. I thought my cycle would start on time.

A few days later, I ate a peanut butter and jelly uncrustable and felt like throwing up.  I kind of shook it off as weird and didn't think anything else of it.  Later, I ate a reese's peanut butter cup on the way to see family in Nick's car. The nausea was so bad I had to put the windows down and had my head in my hands.

It was that day I joked with Nick that I thought I might be pregnant. Nick said, "You always think you're pregnant. I'm sure you'll start your cycle soon." My body has a tendency to mask a lot of symptoms before my cycle starts so I figured he must be right.

When I woke up Saturday April 3rd and still didn't have my period I took a digital test. Nick was sleeping. After a few minutes, I read the unmistakable, "Pregnant" in the screen. I started laughing and saying Babe....I told you so!"  He looked at me dazed, and said, "What?" I answered, "I told you I was pregnant!" And showed him the screen. He laughed and just looked at me. I was so excited, I didn't know what to do.  Nick looked at me and said, "I'm going back to bed". But as we fell asleep he wrapped his arm around my stomach and I couldn't stop smiling.

Later that day, we met my Dad and his girlfriend Nicole for lunch at Texas Roadhouse in York. I had never met her before and I wanted the day to be about our meeting not about such drastic news. Plus I wanted to wait until I had a confirmed blood test from the Doctor before I told my Dad. I was worried about how he would take the news.

At Texas Roadhouse, a baby kept looking at me, smiling and talking. Nicole mentioned that the baby seemed really comfortable towards me and the conversation of kids came up. Nick wanted me to tell everyone, but I was so scared and I just wasn't ready. I remember being glad it was lunch time so I didn't have the chance to feel awkward for turning down a drink. You don't think to worry about whether or not you'll ever see someone alive again. Little things seem so silly now.

I never realized how that day would not turn out the way we thought.  Once we got the positive bloodwork we made plans to have my dad come up for a late birthday dinner. My Dad's birthday is April 6th.  I had bought a blue onesie with tools on it that said grandpa's little helper. I had plans to make my dad's favorite cake and give him this as his present, to kind of make the presentation a little easier.  Nicole caught bronchitis really bad, and they were unable to come up. Soon after that, my dad had to go to Kentucky for classes for work. Shortly after he got back, I miscarried and just didn't know how to say..."I was pregnant, but now I'm not." So I just...didn't say anything.

We were also dealing with my grandmother's illness and death around this time. It felt as if there were much more important things to deal with than my pregnancy.  Crazy, I know. So I never told most of my family. 

When my Dad got back from Kentucky, he left almost immediately for what was supposed to be a vacation with Nicole. He never got there. He was hit on his motorcycle. On Father's Day. And Tragically, Nicole was killed.  Shortly after, Nick's grandfather passed away. Worst three months of my life. The next few weeks aren't going to be easy.

Thankfully, I have wedding planning to keep my mind off of things, but I'm still kind of struggling. Please keep me in your prayers. And as always, comment here please, not on facebook. This is the first time I've ever written this out, and many family and some friends still do not know.

Sometimes I imagine that the baby, my grandmother, Nicole and Nick's grandfather, all up there together watching over us. Sometimes, it's just too hard. <3


  1. Again I'm so sorry for your loss. I know just how you feel. Just remember that I'm here for anything day or night


Our Journey towards Making a Family

Long Version : Our Journey Blog Post
Go here to learn about how we got our start..and where we are now!

Short Version:
11-28-2008- Started Dating

2-14-2010- Got Engaged :)

4-3-2010- First Positive Test- Baby 1 due 12/10/10

5-1-2010- Miscarriage at 8wks2days

12-10-2010- Estimated Due Date for Baby 1

5-5-2011- Second Positive Test- Baby 2 due 1-12-12
5-7-2011- We are Married!! :)
5-14-2011- Miscarriage at 5wks2days

6-16-2011- Repeated Pregnancy Loss blood work
6-23-2011- HSG looks good!
6-23-2011- dx positive ANA- Anti Nuclear Antibodies

07-05-2011- Rheumatologist Appointment
7-11-2011- dx Low Vitamin D levels. Start Prescription Vitamin D and baby aspirin

09/2011- Officially No Longer Preventing

10/5/11-First cycle Actively Trying. AF shows up

11/21/11-Celiac Bloodwork Negative, Vit D still lower than normal, start another prescription. Continue prenatals with Vit. D as well

01-12-12-Estimated Due Date for Baby 2
01/12-Vit D in normal range, start over the counter Daily Calcium with Vit D supplement per Rhuematologist.

2/15/12-Appt with new Ob who is more proactive with Progesterone Testing-suspects progesterone issues.

2/15/12- 5/9/12-Stop trying and start new charting method (Creighton) to watch for hormone imbalance.