I'm trying to figure out how to celebrate my baby.
In a short 9 days, it will be the 10th and it will have been a year since my due date.
I'm supposed to have a one year old...I'm supposed to be celebrating my adoreable one year old son with all of my friends and family.
All I want is to be a Mom..to make my husband a daddy. And it kills me that that hasn't happened yet.
We're still trying, but it doesn't make this any easier.
I was wondering if anyone out there could give me some advice or ideas for how to celebrate the day a little bit. I really don't want to go through the whole day sad. I thought about releasing balloons or making a cake, but I think my husband has to work which means I'll most likely be alone for the day....
I need to do something...or I'll go crazy.
I miss you my little monkey. <3
Showing posts with label miscarriage and pregnancy loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage and pregnancy loss. Show all posts
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
I came out...
as a Baby loss Mother.
On Facebook.
I'm nervous, in fact....I'm terrified. I'm not sure why, but I figure that this reaction alone is why organizations like this exist. To support women in talking about their babies, and to reduce the stigma behind pregnancy loss! Find out more about the Day of Hope.
Today I remember my babies.
Pregnancy 1- EDD December 10, 2010, lost at 8 weeks 2 days
Pregnancy 2- EDD January 12, 2012, loss at 5 weeks, 2 days
Mommy misses and loves you <3
On Facebook.
I'm nervous, in fact....I'm terrified. I'm not sure why, but I figure that this reaction alone is why organizations like this exist. To support women in talking about their babies, and to reduce the stigma behind pregnancy loss! Find out more about the Day of Hope.
Today I remember my babies.
Pregnancy 1- EDD December 10, 2010, lost at 8 weeks 2 days
Pregnancy 2- EDD January 12, 2012, loss at 5 weeks, 2 days
Mommy misses and loves you <3
Monday, August 1, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Music to Remind Me to Breath....
I am coming out of lurkdom for a few seconds because I've had quite a few things happen to me, that kind of woke me up a bit...
I'm feeling a lot better. My husband and I talked about the fact that we definitely believed in God and we are still praying..and a good friend helped me remember that it was okay to be angry at him and that he could take it. If you are reading this, Thank You. I do plan to call you sometime soon, I've just been distracted. Then when I remember it's too late.
I've always had a huge connection to music. You could preach at me for an hour and a half and it won't register and then you sing one worship song and it will touch my soul and have me crying. I spent a long time in prayer last night. I was angry at God and told him so. I told him I wanted a specific sign that I, my relationship, EVERYTHING was going to be okay.
We got in the car and opened the mail to a beautiful, thoughtful card from a dear friend....with a butterfly on the front. The well thought, heartfelt message made me cry and the fact that she took the time to send a card and check on us..I can't even tell you. I didn't even tell her what was going on with us...she saw it on here. I love that she reached out to us in that way. It meant the world.
Then, as we were driving back home from running a few errands we passed an old abandoned store front. This store front is in the middle of our town. We drive past it constantly! But today I happened to look over at the storefront. There, in the window, was a sign. It just said,
I'm feeling a lot better. My husband and I talked about the fact that we definitely believed in God and we are still praying..and a good friend helped me remember that it was okay to be angry at him and that he could take it. If you are reading this, Thank You. I do plan to call you sometime soon, I've just been distracted. Then when I remember it's too late.
I've always had a huge connection to music. You could preach at me for an hour and a half and it won't register and then you sing one worship song and it will touch my soul and have me crying. I spent a long time in prayer last night. I was angry at God and told him so. I told him I wanted a specific sign that I, my relationship, EVERYTHING was going to be okay.
We got in the car and opened the mail to a beautiful, thoughtful card from a dear friend....with a butterfly on the front. The well thought, heartfelt message made me cry and the fact that she took the time to send a card and check on us..I can't even tell you. I didn't even tell her what was going on with us...she saw it on here. I love that she reached out to us in that way. It meant the world.
Then, as we were driving back home from running a few errands we passed an old abandoned store front. This store front is in the middle of our town. We drive past it constantly! But today I happened to look over at the storefront. There, in the window, was a sign. It just said,
It Can Get Better.
Wow. Okay, yeah I'm listening. I don't know what God has in store for us, but I have to believe there is purpose in all of this and that he is holding us in his arms. Later tonight I stumbled across a blog with some music...it just resonated with me. It brought me back to that sign. I don't know what his plan is...but from here on out I need to remember, It can get better! I will leave you with some youtube songs that I've needed lately.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
My own version of "Break Even"
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing.
Praying to a God (I'm not sure I) believe in.
Cause when a heart breaks, it don't break even.
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me (won't come true).
I'm falling to pieces.
They say bad things, they happen for a reason.
But no wise word's gonna stop the bleeding.
(They're all) moving on, and I'm still grieving.
I'm falling to pieces.
Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even.....
Actual Song HERE
Praying to a God (I'm not sure I) believe in.
Cause when a heart breaks, it don't break even.
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me (won't come true).
I'm falling to pieces.
They say bad things, they happen for a reason.
But no wise word's gonna stop the bleeding.
(They're all) moving on, and I'm still grieving.
I'm falling to pieces.
Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even.....
Actual Song HERE
Our Journey
Nick and I met and started dating on November 28, 2008.
Nick was working full time in Dillsburg and I was working in a childcare facility in Maryland. I quit my job in Maryland and began working at a Daycare in York City to be closer to him.We moved in together in February of 2009. Or I should say, I moved into his Mom's house, with him.
We moved into our first apartment together in June of 2009, and our furbaby Lexi, came with us!
We lived in an expensive, TINY one bedroom apartment in Mechanicsburg.
Nick and I both started New Jobs after our move. Nick continued to work part time at Dillsburg and also started working full time as a paramedic in the West Shore Area. In August of 2009, I started work full time as a Head Start preschool teacher in Harrisburg, PA. We got Engaged on February 14, 2010. It was amazing and is still one of my favorite memories.
We found out we were expecting our first baby in late March/Early April 2010. We went on our first REAL trip/vacation in Mid April 2010, with our best friends, who are now engaged...to each other!
In June of 2010, Nick and I moved yet again, this time to Carlisle. Nick transferred EMS stations and I VERY happily transferred classrooms. We love our spacious condo. Unfortunately, we had to leave Lexi with my Mom, as our new place does not allow pets. The move to Carlisle was good for both of us. We were less stressed, saving money and enjoying our new place. We were able to start wedding planning!
That summer was a hard one for Nick and I. After I miscarried, my grandmother passed away. Then, my dad was involved in a horrific motorcycle accident on Father's day. He barely survived and was very close to losing his leg. He is still mourning the loss of his girlfriend, Nicole, who was killed in that accident. We miss her terribly. While in NJ dealing with my father's accident, Nick's grandfather passed away.
Coming back from that tragic span of time was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I did it though, with lots of support from Nick, friends and family, and a few therapy sessions. It was really hard on Nick too, although he tries to stay strong for me, I know he struggles with feeling that everything feels so unfair.
On May 5th, 2011 Nick and I were surprised to find that we were pregnant again! I was very sick and we tried to believe that this pregnancy would stick.On May 7, 2011, Nick and I were married on an absolutely BEAUTIFUL day in an even more beautiful ceremony. I was sick and exhausted but enjoyed every minute! It will always be a favorite memory, obviously.
On Friday the 13th, just six days later, I received a call from the doctor's office. My test results were back and I was indeed pregnant but my levels were very low and I was to prepare myself to miscarry.
On Saturday, May 14th, 2011, just a week after my marriage started, another pregnancy ended.
This time I was only 5 weeks and 2 days along, the baby was due January 12, 2012. With a second miscarriage, came doctor's appointments. (TMI Ahead, just warning you now...) We were instructed to wait to try again until after 2 cycles had passed, to give my body time to heal. I have since had a ton of blood work done, and a procedure called an HSG. The HSG went great. My uterus looks great other than being slightly tipped forward, and my fallopian tubes are a little thin. It wasn't painful really just uncomfortable and a little cramping on and off today.
My bloodwork on the other hand...not so much. It all came back normal...except for one test. One test came back positive for ANA -Antinuclear Antibodies. This is almost certainly the cause of my miscarriages. It basically means that there is something going on with my Auto Immune System...It could be lupus or a host of other things, such as a clotting disorder...but basically the doctor thinks that my body is attacking my pregnancies like it would a splinter. It thinks it doesn't belong.
I have an appointment to see a rheumatologist on July 5th. My hope is that with some medication and constant monitoring, we will eventually get our take home baby.
We are struggling emotionally. We are having trouble understanding why. Our faith is definitely not very strong...We know how blessed we are to have what we have...but being so blessed sometimes ends up being a very painful reminder of the one thing you're without. We know that there is a plan in place...and it's just getting there....
I am very grateful to have my home, a loving and supportive husband, and a great family. Without that I don't know where I'd be or what I'd do. But please keep us in your prayers that we find a solution.
I will update this as we learn more...
Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
Nick was working full time in Dillsburg and I was working in a childcare facility in Maryland. I quit my job in Maryland and began working at a Daycare in York City to be closer to him.We moved in together in February of 2009. Or I should say, I moved into his Mom's house, with him.
We moved into our first apartment together in June of 2009, and our furbaby Lexi, came with us!
We lived in an expensive, TINY one bedroom apartment in Mechanicsburg.
 |
| A picture I took from our balcony at the apartment after a snow storm. |
I miscarried for the first time on May 1, 2010. I was 8 weeks and 2 days along. The baby was due December 10, 2010.
 |
| The view from our Condo :) |
That summer was a hard one for Nick and I. After I miscarried, my grandmother passed away. Then, my dad was involved in a horrific motorcycle accident on Father's day. He barely survived and was very close to losing his leg. He is still mourning the loss of his girlfriend, Nicole, who was killed in that accident. We miss her terribly. While in NJ dealing with my father's accident, Nick's grandfather passed away.
 |
| Dad and Nicole. May she rest in Peace |
On May 5th, 2011 Nick and I were surprised to find that we were pregnant again! I was very sick and we tried to believe that this pregnancy would stick.On May 7, 2011, Nick and I were married on an absolutely BEAUTIFUL day in an even more beautiful ceremony. I was sick and exhausted but enjoyed every minute! It will always be a favorite memory, obviously.
On Saturday, May 14th, 2011, just a week after my marriage started, another pregnancy ended.
This time I was only 5 weeks and 2 days along, the baby was due January 12, 2012. With a second miscarriage, came doctor's appointments. (TMI Ahead, just warning you now...) We were instructed to wait to try again until after 2 cycles had passed, to give my body time to heal. I have since had a ton of blood work done, and a procedure called an HSG. The HSG went great. My uterus looks great other than being slightly tipped forward, and my fallopian tubes are a little thin. It wasn't painful really just uncomfortable and a little cramping on and off today.
My bloodwork on the other hand...not so much. It all came back normal...except for one test. One test came back positive for ANA -Antinuclear Antibodies. This is almost certainly the cause of my miscarriages. It basically means that there is something going on with my Auto Immune System...It could be lupus or a host of other things, such as a clotting disorder...but basically the doctor thinks that my body is attacking my pregnancies like it would a splinter. It thinks it doesn't belong.
I have an appointment to see a rheumatologist on July 5th. My hope is that with some medication and constant monitoring, we will eventually get our take home baby.
We are struggling emotionally. We are having trouble understanding why. Our faith is definitely not very strong...We know how blessed we are to have what we have...but being so blessed sometimes ends up being a very painful reminder of the one thing you're without. We know that there is a plan in place...and it's just getting there....
I am very grateful to have my home, a loving and supportive husband, and a great family. Without that I don't know where I'd be or what I'd do. But please keep us in your prayers that we find a solution.
I will update this as we learn more...
Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Dr's Appointments, Bloodwork...What's next?
Today I went to a doctor's appointment and found out that my cholesterol, specifically the bad one is a tad high. My triglicerides are normal but could stand to be a little lower as well. At my last appointment to check these everything came back normal but my good cholesterol was low.
I am going to go back on my prenatals which should help bring the levels down because of the Niacin in them. I am also going to do better with watching what I eat and trying to get more exercise. I am looking forward to being able to start going to the pool soon!
I also mentioned my Aunt's recent diagnosis of skin cancer to the doctor. I've had moles my entire life, and most of them haven't seemed to really change...but watching my aunt go through this was enough to scare me. I have some really dark moles on my back and the doctor is going to excise one to get a baseline biopsy done. My appointment is Monday at 10 50. The doctor seems pretty confident that I'm okay but I will feel so much better once I know that...
I also had my Repeated Loss Bloodwork done today. 5 nice size tubes after not eating and I was feeling pretty woozy. I am not sure when those results will be in but I can't wait to find out...knowing will be half the battle. I can't decide if I will feel better if there IS something wrong because then we can fix it and the losses have a reason...or if I will feel better if nothing's wrong....ugh who knows.
So at this point,
Bloodwork-done
HSG- Needs to be scheduled, will be in the next 4 to 7 days if possible
Mole Excision- Monday at 10 50
Calling to inquire about bloodwork- Monday
I am going to go back on my prenatals which should help bring the levels down because of the Niacin in them. I am also going to do better with watching what I eat and trying to get more exercise. I am looking forward to being able to start going to the pool soon!
I also mentioned my Aunt's recent diagnosis of skin cancer to the doctor. I've had moles my entire life, and most of them haven't seemed to really change...but watching my aunt go through this was enough to scare me. I have some really dark moles on my back and the doctor is going to excise one to get a baseline biopsy done. My appointment is Monday at 10 50. The doctor seems pretty confident that I'm okay but I will feel so much better once I know that...
I also had my Repeated Loss Bloodwork done today. 5 nice size tubes after not eating and I was feeling pretty woozy. I am not sure when those results will be in but I can't wait to find out...knowing will be half the battle. I can't decide if I will feel better if there IS something wrong because then we can fix it and the losses have a reason...or if I will feel better if nothing's wrong....ugh who knows.
So at this point,
Bloodwork-done
HSG- Needs to be scheduled, will be in the next 4 to 7 days if possible
Mole Excision- Monday at 10 50
Calling to inquire about bloodwork- Monday
Friday, June 10, 2011
Miscarriage...Infertility....Heartbreak
I guess it's time I talk about this. I apologize in advance if it doesn't make any sense...I just need to get it out. p.s. it may also be your version of TMI...warning you all now.
Well, a while back we found out I was pregnant again, it wasn't expected at all, but we were very very excited. I was throwing up before I even found out, and continued to throw up almost every day since. I thought this was a good sign, but unfortunately I experienced another miscarriage. The baby was due January 12, 2012.
Unless you've been there, you can never understand what it's like to lose not one, but two babies (or more, as is the case with many :( ). You can't understand what it feels like to feel that there is something wrong with you, and you are incapable of keeping your babies safe. Unless you've been there you'll never understand completely, what it's like, to feel like you are letting down your spouse and causing more friction in your marriage than necessary. For those that do understand...my heart breaks for all of us.
Yesterday, my husband and I went to see my Obgyn. He was very understanding and supportive. I really like this new doctor. He is being very proactive and has really taken a personal effort with us. He is devoted to getting us a baby and wants the third time to be a charm. We talked about the normal stuff, how it's not my fault, that getting pregnant isn't my problem, it's staying that way. We have to wait two cycles to try again, that way if any of the tests come back positive, we can make an effort to fix them before we try to conceive. We should be able to try to conceive in August. They don't believe they'll need to do any testing on Nick, but are running the gamut on me. Thyroid, glucose, hormones, yadda, yadda. That's another thing someone who hasn't been there would never understand....you start feeling like a human pin cushion.
The doctor did an exam, and said everything looks good. At the end of the appointment he handed me a card...it said Infertility Nurse on it. That hit me kind of hard. I just can't believe I've reached this point. It's not fair. It's not fair that some people have kids so easily, or when they're not ready. Here we are ready, financially capable, and dreaming of kids instead of having a 6 month old (WOW, I can't believe he'd be six months today...) and expecting another.
Once I get my first cycle after the miscarriage, I have to call the Infertility Nurse to schedule an HSG. It's this really long word that basically means I get a tube put into my uterus and dye shot into it to make sure things are the way they are supposed to be....I've heard it's pretty painful. Greaaaat.
At the end of the day, everything I go through will be worth it. If I could only have a healthy baby or two. I will do whatever it takes to get that. I would die for that. I'm going to try my best to stay positive. WHEN I get pregnant again, you can bet that I will love every moment. You can bet that I won't be complaining about one symptom. You can bet that everyday I will be thankful, because I know pregnancy is something to be cherished and I will remember what we went through to get there.
To my angels...I miss you. So very much...and I'm so very sorry. <3
Well, a while back we found out I was pregnant again, it wasn't expected at all, but we were very very excited. I was throwing up before I even found out, and continued to throw up almost every day since. I thought this was a good sign, but unfortunately I experienced another miscarriage. The baby was due January 12, 2012.
Unless you've been there, you can never understand what it's like to lose not one, but two babies (or more, as is the case with many :( ). You can't understand what it feels like to feel that there is something wrong with you, and you are incapable of keeping your babies safe. Unless you've been there you'll never understand completely, what it's like, to feel like you are letting down your spouse and causing more friction in your marriage than necessary. For those that do understand...my heart breaks for all of us.
Yesterday, my husband and I went to see my Obgyn. He was very understanding and supportive. I really like this new doctor. He is being very proactive and has really taken a personal effort with us. He is devoted to getting us a baby and wants the third time to be a charm. We talked about the normal stuff, how it's not my fault, that getting pregnant isn't my problem, it's staying that way. We have to wait two cycles to try again, that way if any of the tests come back positive, we can make an effort to fix them before we try to conceive. We should be able to try to conceive in August. They don't believe they'll need to do any testing on Nick, but are running the gamut on me. Thyroid, glucose, hormones, yadda, yadda. That's another thing someone who hasn't been there would never understand....you start feeling like a human pin cushion.
The doctor did an exam, and said everything looks good. At the end of the appointment he handed me a card...it said Infertility Nurse on it. That hit me kind of hard. I just can't believe I've reached this point. It's not fair. It's not fair that some people have kids so easily, or when they're not ready. Here we are ready, financially capable, and dreaming of kids instead of having a 6 month old (WOW, I can't believe he'd be six months today...) and expecting another.
Once I get my first cycle after the miscarriage, I have to call the Infertility Nurse to schedule an HSG. It's this really long word that basically means I get a tube put into my uterus and dye shot into it to make sure things are the way they are supposed to be....I've heard it's pretty painful. Greaaaat.
At the end of the day, everything I go through will be worth it. If I could only have a healthy baby or two. I will do whatever it takes to get that. I would die for that. I'm going to try my best to stay positive. WHEN I get pregnant again, you can bet that I will love every moment. You can bet that I won't be complaining about one symptom. You can bet that everyday I will be thankful, because I know pregnancy is something to be cherished and I will remember what we went through to get there.
To my angels...I miss you. So very much...and I'm so very sorry. <3
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
My Birthday "Wish List"
My Birthday is coming up, and I decided to do a little list of what I would love to get for my birthday. I in no way expect to get anything off this list so if I would it would be awesome!
I'm one of those people...I tend to think of others first. I do my best to make sure everyone is happy, drama and confrontation free. So for the next few minutes, I'm going to think about what I really want and make up a wish list for my birthday. Some things are attainable, some are not. Some are silly, some are expensive, some are simple.
The list is in no particular order.
1. A raise.
5. Kay Jeweler's Dragonfly Necklace
6. Bed Bath and Beyond Zumba DVD Set
(Couldn't find it online, but saw it in the store the other day for 60 bucks!)
7. To be able to spend uninterrupted time with my Husband. <3
8. A Frozen Hot Chocolate from Dunkin Donuts.
9. To get and move into a New Townhouse.
10. To see the Lion King on Broadway.
I'm one of those people...I tend to think of others first. I do my best to make sure everyone is happy, drama and confrontation free. So for the next few minutes, I'm going to think about what I really want and make up a wish list for my birthday. Some things are attainable, some are not. Some are silly, some are expensive, some are simple.
The list is in no particular order.
1. A raise.
2. A promotion/ new job within my company- would help with number one!
3. To get pregnant and STAY that way.
4. A trip to the BEACH!
5. Kay Jeweler's Dragonfly Necklace
6. Bed Bath and Beyond Zumba DVD Set
(Couldn't find it online, but saw it in the store the other day for 60 bucks!)
7. To be able to spend uninterrupted time with my Husband. <3
8. A Frozen Hot Chocolate from Dunkin Donuts.
9. To get and move into a New Townhouse.
10. To see the Lion King on Broadway.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Read It: I Will Carry You
I finally finished reading Angie Smith's new book, I Will Carry You.
http://www.amazon.com/Will-Carry-You-Sacred-Dance/dp/080546428X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1299282700&sr=8-1 (<---Order it Here!)
I Will Carry You is a beautifully written, spiritually driven account of Angie and Todd Smith's journey to expand their beautiful family. Through ultrasound, they find out that their beautiful fourth daughter would not make it. They chose to carry their daughter to term, and received a miracle when they were given almost three beautiful hours to spend with their new little one. Her name, was Audrey Caroline. And her short life changed the world in more ways then her parents and society would ever know.
I have to say, having experienced an Early Miscarriage, this book was very helpful to me. It helped me to sort through my grief, and help me to feel as if I'm not alone. I respect Angie very much for her willingness to share her story with the world. Something she said in her book also really resonated with me. She mentioned that, no matter if you had an Early, Middle or Late Miscarriage, every loss is still a loss and we all have to grieve in our own way. EVERY loss is important, Every loss is meaningful to that Mother. It hits every woman differently. I really feel as if Angie really explained this in her book.
The book definitely had some tearful moments, especially the letters to Audrey from her Mommy and Daddy. It was an eye opening, heart wrenching, book. The pictures, and the bible verses made me feel as if I was reading right out of her own journal! I recommend it to any Baby Loss Mama! MOST IMPORTANTLY, I would also recommend it to any one that has a family member or friend, that has experienced a loss. It will help you understand what those going through or who have had a loss are feeling.
Angie has a blog that she started to share Audrey's Story. Please go, read and learn more about this amazing family!
Her husband Todd, is one of the lead singers of the Christian group, Selah. They wrote a special song called "I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song). Pulls at my heart EVERY time. Please watch it.
http://www.amazon.com/Will-Carry-You-Sacred-Dance/dp/080546428X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1299282700&sr=8-1 (<---Order it Here!)
I Will Carry You is a beautifully written, spiritually driven account of Angie and Todd Smith's journey to expand their beautiful family. Through ultrasound, they find out that their beautiful fourth daughter would not make it. They chose to carry their daughter to term, and received a miracle when they were given almost three beautiful hours to spend with their new little one. Her name, was Audrey Caroline. And her short life changed the world in more ways then her parents and society would ever know.
I have to say, having experienced an Early Miscarriage, this book was very helpful to me. It helped me to sort through my grief, and help me to feel as if I'm not alone. I respect Angie very much for her willingness to share her story with the world. Something she said in her book also really resonated with me. She mentioned that, no matter if you had an Early, Middle or Late Miscarriage, every loss is still a loss and we all have to grieve in our own way. EVERY loss is important, Every loss is meaningful to that Mother. It hits every woman differently. I really feel as if Angie really explained this in her book.
The book definitely had some tearful moments, especially the letters to Audrey from her Mommy and Daddy. It was an eye opening, heart wrenching, book. The pictures, and the bible verses made me feel as if I was reading right out of her own journal! I recommend it to any Baby Loss Mama! MOST IMPORTANTLY, I would also recommend it to any one that has a family member or friend, that has experienced a loss. It will help you understand what those going through or who have had a loss are feeling.
Angie has a blog that she started to share Audrey's Story. Please go, read and learn more about this amazing family!
Her husband Todd, is one of the lead singers of the Christian group, Selah. They wrote a special song called "I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song). Pulls at my heart EVERY time. Please watch it.
Friday, December 10, 2010
My Due Date
Well, the day is finally here. I'm definitely sad. I'm trying not to think about it, really. I don't really feel much like talking.
I think I'm ready to share the letter I wrote for the baby.
And no, I'm not insane for writing a letter to my dead baby. I missed him, I wrote it, the end.
This is how I grieve, this is how I get through.
If you have any kind of, why isn't she over this yet, type of opinion-FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY-Keep it to yourself.
In honor of Baby Albright, lost on May 1st, 2010 at 8 weeks, 2 days.
Estimated Due Date: 12/10/10
Hi baby boy…
It’s mommy. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do…ever. I miss you a lot. I have a lot of words rolling around in my head right now…but I’m going to try my best to get them out. When mommy learned she was pregnant with you, I was SOOOO excited. I couldn’t wait to go to the doctor and hear your little heart and see your little face. Daddy was pretty shocked at first; and kind of worried too. I think he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to buy you all the things you would need, but let me tell you he is awesome. You’d love him.
Even though mommy lost you kind of early, I dream about you sometimes. Are you up in heaven with Mom Mom right now? Listening to her sing? She didn’t know about you when she went to be with God in Heaven, so she was probably a little surprised to see you. But I don’t doubt she’s taking really good care of you right now. She’s probably having so much fun showing you around and kissing your sweet little face.
I hope that you have eyes like Mommy and I hope you laugh and smile like Daddy…he has the best smile. To be honest, I’m not sure you were a boy…but Mommy’s instinct has always told me you were a boy so, I’m going to go with it. Lots of people were looking forward to meeting you little one…your Mommy and Daddy first of all, and also, your Mom Mom. That’s Mommy’s Mom. She is one REALLY special lady. You’ll meet her some day when she gets to heaven, but we have to keep her down here for a while longer. She has such a big heart and was so excited to have another grandbaby. She thought I would be the BEST mommy to you, and I think so too. I’m glad I got to carry you around…even for that little bit of time. I don’t know if you were sad to go, but I know you aren’t sad now…You’ve got all the angels looking after you. And, I know that you’ve been watching Mommy and Daddy go about our day. I feel it. I feel our connection still now…
Today is the day Mommy was supposed to welcome you into the world. Instead all I have is this little stuffed Monkey. It makes me think of you, since I called you my little monkey all the time. I miss you so very much little one. More than anything, I wish you could be here right now. I wish I could be planning your picture in front of a Christmas Tree. I wish we could be planning your first outing to see family. I wish you could be here for your first Christmas and your first snowfall. You’re not here though, and it hurts. A lot. I hope you are okay up there. Tell everyone up there with you that we said we miss you. I love you baby boy, with my entire heart.
One other thing my beautiful angel…mommy is so sorry you had to go. But mommy also really wants to have some babies that get to stay down here on Earth with me. You will always be my first baby. But, I also want to have lots of brothers and sisters for you to meet some day too. So, please talk to God for me and ask Him to help me with that if you could. And please, don’t be sad when it happens because I could never replace you. You were my first baby, and now, my own guardian angel. Just know that I live on in remembrance of you and that one day, hopefully far in the future, we will meet again.
Mommy loves you and misses you very, very much.
<3
Friday, December 3, 2010
A week away...
If you don't want to read negativity or sadness...then don't read this post.
I'm sorry but this is my blog, and I'll write what I want.
It is my place to heal, to recover, and to vent out my frustration.
I am a week away from the day I was due to bring a baby into this world. But yet, I'm not. I have an empty uterus and a broken heart. I know that the next week or so, I will be very much a shell of a person...functioning on autopilot, getting away with bare minimums.
I feel like my heart is broken. I feel like I need to take a vacation...and get away from it all.
It kills me going into work every day seeing the kids and knowing that I SHOULD be getting ready to have a baby, be HUGE, and going on maternity leave soon. But I'm not.
I feel so broken. I feel like I don't know what to say or do to make it better. I'm taking herbal supplements to help with my mood, and it really does help....its just hard to function when I know I am not welcoming a baby.
My cycle is due to start Dec 11th...the day after my due date....I don't know what kind of irony that is, but I don't like it ONE bit.
This month's posts probably wont be pretty...but I need to get through this..the only way I know how
I want to be pregnant again...with a fierceness that consumes my very soul.
I'm sorry but this is my blog, and I'll write what I want.
It is my place to heal, to recover, and to vent out my frustration.
I am a week away from the day I was due to bring a baby into this world. But yet, I'm not. I have an empty uterus and a broken heart. I know that the next week or so, I will be very much a shell of a person...functioning on autopilot, getting away with bare minimums.
I feel like my heart is broken. I feel like I need to take a vacation...and get away from it all.
It kills me going into work every day seeing the kids and knowing that I SHOULD be getting ready to have a baby, be HUGE, and going on maternity leave soon. But I'm not.
I feel so broken. I feel like I don't know what to say or do to make it better. I'm taking herbal supplements to help with my mood, and it really does help....its just hard to function when I know I am not welcoming a baby.
My cycle is due to start Dec 11th...the day after my due date....I don't know what kind of irony that is, but I don't like it ONE bit.
This month's posts probably wont be pretty...but I need to get through this..the only way I know how
I want to be pregnant again...with a fierceness that consumes my very soul.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Crazy Month
October has been one crazy month for us... We had a wedding of a good friend the first weekend, and it was a lot of fun, and it was Melanie's birthday. I got some decent pics at the wedding and got my drink on for the first time in FOREVER.
The very next week Josh had a birthday. He is Nick's best friend and Melanie's fiance lol. That weekend my Mom and I spent a lot of time in MD on Saturday helping with my Dad's poker run. It raised over 800 dollars to help with his medical bills! What a blessing.
October 14th was Nick's birthday. I got him a card, a king size Reese's and House Season 6 on DVD :)
October 15th was National Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. 2,000 woman A DAY lose their little ones. Such a staggering number and its not talked about very often. 1 in 4 pregnancies will end this way, so why its not talked about more, I don't know.
The very next week Josh had a birthday. He is Nick's best friend and Melanie's fiance lol. That weekend my Mom and I spent a lot of time in MD on Saturday helping with my Dad's poker run. It raised over 800 dollars to help with his medical bills! What a blessing.
October 14th was Nick's birthday. I got him a card, a king size Reese's and House Season 6 on DVD :)
October 15th was National Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. 2,000 woman A DAY lose their little ones. Such a staggering number and its not talked about very often. 1 in 4 pregnancies will end this way, so why its not talked about more, I don't know.
October 16th we went to my cousin Heather's wedding. It was soo pretty and A TON of fun. We got to dance and see family and enjoy ourselves. My Mom, Aunt Dawn and I all wore a piece of my Mom Mom's jewlery so that she could also share in the day. Later, when I got the pics up on facebook, there ended up being SEVERAL pictures with Rainbows and Orbs in them. I don't know what you believe, but I truly believe my Mom Mom was there with us that day.
This week has been hectic with work stuff and trying to get all of that done. I've also been sick on and off but I'm dealing okay. Yesterday I actually left work early I was so sick and came home and slept for three hours. It was insane. After I woke up, Nick and I cleaned a bit and got ready for our condo cozy. Then we did some shopping and had a cake consultation with Jaimecakes. See her website here ! She is so nice and down to earth, I can't wait to see the sketches she comes up with. We will hopefully have another consult next week, but I have yet to hear back from them. I wanted to do at least 2 consults so we had a choice but I really am leaning towards going with Jaime. Her cake flavors were AMAZING and she was so nice and down to earth. I really just want to bless her with the order, if that makes sense.
The condo cozy went well today although, I am really bummed about more people not showing up. A lot of Nick's work friends came, and my Mom and Nick's mom and brother. 2 of my friends whom I love dearly and my sister also came over. I just kind of hoped more of my friends would show...but such is life I guess. I really adore those people that did come and support us.
The month will end with trick or treat night on Thursday and hopefull another cake consult, and my Dad's Halloween Benefit Dance that I'm kind of excited about but dreading, all at the same time. I need to find me a costume, and PRONTO.
Last but Not least, there's been a lot of pregnancy announcements on a board I frequent as well as facebook and blogs recently. I'm so VERY happy for all of my friends, and wish them nothing but happy and healthy pregnancies, but it makes me sad sometimes too. I want a baby in THE WORST way. I am so terrified I won't be able to get pregnant again. I guess I'm just sad that I have to wait another 6 and a half months to really try again and really thats a LONG time.
I miss you my little Monkey. Please help your momma stay strong, while I wait for your big brother or sister <3
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Dragonflies and an OBGYN follow up.
Today was my follow up. Presumably the appt that would decide that my body has healed itself in a good manner and that I should be able to try and conceive again at anytime. You see, however, ttc will have to wait. We are getting married in 8 months, and as much as my heart yearns to be pregnant again, I know its not logical, for me and Nick personally, to let me walk down the aisle preggers. So, knowing this would be the case, I was not excited for the appointment...at All.
Upon leaving the condo, the first thing I saw was a pure white butterfly. Then promptly after that, a fun little dragon fly came bopping by. Dragonflies have quite the significance in the babyloss world. Here's the link to the story of the Waterbug/Dragonfly to kind of explain why.
http://www.rainbowsbridge.com/Belovedhearts/stories/Doris-WaterbugsandDragonflies-632617144169637500.aspx
The dragonfly definitely made me smile. It was like the universe's way of saying everything was okay and that the baby was safe, in heaven, looking down to help me through the day.
I get to the dr's office, and I'm surrounded by pregnant women and their partners...all in different stages of their pregnancy. I was sad, especially because of that and the fact that their were baby pictures everywhere, but I was okay. Until one of the nurses appeared. It was the same nurse that diagnosed me as pregnant, the same nurse that took my family history, the same nurse that explained the testing options that would come down the road and shared Nick and I's excitement before hardly anyone knew. At that point, I didn't know if I could hold in the tears, but luckily a nurse came to take me back. I laid in the room on the table after the nurse left with my vitals for AT least a half an hour...URG.
While waiting in the room, I kept hearing people talking in the rooms directly next to mine...so wouldn't you know someone was getting an ultrasound!??!! From what I gathered it sounded as if they were having a boy, whom would be a jr, but they were having trouble on making the final decision regarding names. It was such a knife to my heart. I kept thinking...that should be me, I should be over half way there, starting to plan my babyshower and getting into arguments about names with nick..but instead I'm here with an empty uterus and a hole in my heart. Finally the doctor came in, and he actually spent some time with me and checked me over. He wants me to get an ultrasound on my gallbladder Monday AM based on some symptoms I've been struggling with and mentioned anti depressants if going to therapy doesn't help. But before he left, he looked at me and said, I really am sorry for everything you've been through.
(Since April, my Grandmother passed Away, I lost the baby, My dad was in a horrific motorcycle accident in NJ, almost died, and almost lost his leg, his girlfriend was killed in this accident, and Nick's grandfather passed away.)
Then, he hugged me, looked at me, and said, We'll take care of you. It was so nice in that moment to feel like these doctor's would take care of me. Hopefully when I'm pregnant the next time, we can feel just as confident in them. Because I will tell you one thing, I'm not sure I'll ever be THAT girl again...the one who can get giddy about a pregnancy...at least not until I'm at a certain point, where I feel like its okay not to worry..
Upon leaving the condo, the first thing I saw was a pure white butterfly. Then promptly after that, a fun little dragon fly came bopping by. Dragonflies have quite the significance in the babyloss world. Here's the link to the story of the Waterbug/Dragonfly to kind of explain why.
http://www.rainbowsbridge.com/Belovedhearts/stories/Doris-WaterbugsandDragonflies-632617144169637500.aspx
The dragonfly definitely made me smile. It was like the universe's way of saying everything was okay and that the baby was safe, in heaven, looking down to help me through the day.
I get to the dr's office, and I'm surrounded by pregnant women and their partners...all in different stages of their pregnancy. I was sad, especially because of that and the fact that their were baby pictures everywhere, but I was okay. Until one of the nurses appeared. It was the same nurse that diagnosed me as pregnant, the same nurse that took my family history, the same nurse that explained the testing options that would come down the road and shared Nick and I's excitement before hardly anyone knew. At that point, I didn't know if I could hold in the tears, but luckily a nurse came to take me back. I laid in the room on the table after the nurse left with my vitals for AT least a half an hour...URG.
While waiting in the room, I kept hearing people talking in the rooms directly next to mine...so wouldn't you know someone was getting an ultrasound!??!! From what I gathered it sounded as if they were having a boy, whom would be a jr, but they were having trouble on making the final decision regarding names. It was such a knife to my heart. I kept thinking...that should be me, I should be over half way there, starting to plan my babyshower and getting into arguments about names with nick..but instead I'm here with an empty uterus and a hole in my heart. Finally the doctor came in, and he actually spent some time with me and checked me over. He wants me to get an ultrasound on my gallbladder Monday AM based on some symptoms I've been struggling with and mentioned anti depressants if going to therapy doesn't help. But before he left, he looked at me and said, I really am sorry for everything you've been through.
(Since April, my Grandmother passed Away, I lost the baby, My dad was in a horrific motorcycle accident in NJ, almost died, and almost lost his leg, his girlfriend was killed in this accident, and Nick's grandfather passed away.)
Then, he hugged me, looked at me, and said, We'll take care of you. It was so nice in that moment to feel like these doctor's would take care of me. Hopefully when I'm pregnant the next time, we can feel just as confident in them. Because I will tell you one thing, I'm not sure I'll ever be THAT girl again...the one who can get giddy about a pregnancy...at least not until I'm at a certain point, where I feel like its okay not to worry..
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
My Bucket List....with updates, accomplishments, and a side note.
It's almost 10pm...Tuesday. Nick should be getting off work soon. It's quiet here. I'm lying on the couch looking at the frame we made for the baby. Its a card I got from winning a give away on an AWESOME blog of a blog friend of mine. Shannon has a new blog now, named, Eat, Pray, Love, Live! and she is a follower of me. You should check out her blog if you have time. She is one AWESOME lady.
Anyway because of her, and her blog, the arbor day foundation planted ten trees in honor of my lost little one. I looked down at todays date and for the umpteenth time realized it was the tenth. I don't like that number now...neither do I like the first for similar reasons...you can imagine the emotional confusion on my birthday. Anyway...I realize again its the 10th, which only means I'm FOUR months away from what was supposed to be my due date. Barf.
But realizing that, made me also realize that December is knowingly going to be hard for me. Even after my due date has come and gone, Christmas I will be a wreck thinking of all the things I should be doing with a newborn thats not here. Gosh that kills me.
I've been really emotional lately about all of this, and I'm not entirely sure why, only thing I can figure is just the stress of it all finally catching up with me. I made up my mind to do something about it. Hopefully, soon, I will be meeting with a...yikes, THERAPIST, to talk it out and see where my tears and anxiety keep stemming from. But within that big choice and change I made the realization that this new year will truly be a changing year for me. My due date will be behind me, my wedding will be months away and I really will be getting a fresh start. So in honor of this, I decided to dig up my old Bucket List, to see what I've accomplished and if anything needs edited or if my sentiments have changed...
Without further ado..."The List"
1. Graduate with high honors from Shippensburg University
Graduated, Suma Cum Laude, May 07
2. Get my own apartment after graduation, either by myself or with a friend that can help with expenses.
Accomplished three times over, now renting a condo with my Fiance! :)
3. Establish good credit.
Got to check it for free, everything I have is in the green!
4. Meet the man God has intended for me to spend my life with and marry him.
We're halfway there...I got engaged to the man I believe God chose for me on Valentines Day 2010. We will be married May 7, 2011. Less than Nine months from Now!!!
5. Become a kindergarten teacher.
Not yet, but I have subbed in Kindergarten and I hope to go back to subbing and maybe eventually find a teaching job after Nick and I are married, that way I have stable benefits. For now, I enjoy my job as a preschool teacher with Headstart. I am important. I pave the way FOR kindgergarten. I make sure they're ready.
6. Have a nice home with my husband that is all of my own interior design.
Not yet, but we do have a condo that my fiance and I have decorated. Eventually WE will have a home. So this one is in italics too so i see it needs done.
7. Lose weight and get in shape.
UGH, this is SUCH an ongoing battle. Everytime I lose weight, I gain it back again. And now after a pregnancy, its just that much harder...:(
8. Have my own garden in my backyard complete with lots of flowers, trees, a hammock and maybe even a pond.
9. Own two dogs.
I have one dog, named Lexi. She is an adoreable Chiuaua/Pomeranian/Jack Russel/Pug mix and I lover her to DEATH. I can't have her in my condo though. Someday, in our home. We will have two.
10. Join a Hip/Hop dance class
11. Have between 2-4 children.
This one stings. I consider myself a mother, but yet...I have no physical children to show for it. One day I will get my sticky rainbow baby(ies)...I swear I will.
12. Visit Ireland
13. Sing in front of my whole church.
It's amazing how much more confident I am with my singing and my voice. I really enjoy blessing people with my talent, although stage fright does occasionally take over. However this goal has been accomplished.
14. Take vocal lessons.
I almost did this...who knows maybe one day I still will.
15. Volunteer at a home for unwed mothers and their children.
I still want to volunteer at maybe a soup kitchen or women's shelter somewhere, but I'm not sure how to start that...maybe I'll look into it soon.
16. Learn to cook beyond the things I already know.
This is one of those goals, I'm not sure will ever be fully realized, only because the more I learn about cooking and baking, the more I want to know. I love it. I've gotten good, but could be better, so for now, I'm leaving this one italicized.
17. Pay off all my loans.
Ha...work in progress.
18. Get a Subaru WRX.
19. Be a good friend.
20. Visit the Butterfly Conservatory.
I think when I originally wrote this I meant the new one in Hershey? If its still there next year around peak season, I will go, and I WILL take my sister, my Mom and Hailey-Rose, and hopefully Melanie and Raelynn will be able to come too!
21. Volunteer in the NICU at the hospital.
York Hospital used to have a program where you could be a volunteer and come in and hold babies in the NICU- I think it was called touch therapy or something. But with stricter regulations now, moving to a new place and the baby loss, I'm not sure anymore that this one is possible.
22. Take a road trip.
23. Go to the Beach!
I honestly don't remember the last time I went to the beach. I can't wait to go sometime.
24. Visit Assateague Island
I've always wanted to see the wild ponies. This can work with the one above lol!
25. Go on a cruise to an island in the Carribean.
Honeymoon????
26. Set up a retirement fund.
27. Be the best mother I know how to be.
28. Pay my Mom back.
While I'm slowly working on paying my Mom back, she is one of the most giving and generous people I know. I'm not sure I'll ever completely be able to repay everything she's done for me. I love you Mom.
29. Impress everyone at my first high school reunion.
We didn't have a five year, so hopefully, I can do this at our ten year, in 2013.
30. Set up savings accounts to help my children go to college.
31. Be healthy and happy as much as possible.
Still workin on it...but tryin, none the less....
32. Start a journal of Praise to God thanking him each day.
33. Swim with Dolphins.
34. Be a great wife.
35. Go on a hot air balloon ride.
36. Adopt a child from overseas.
37. Write more.
I think I've got a pretty good start with this blog...we shall see what happens!
38. Create a scrapbook documenting my life that I am proud of.
39. Start a scrapbook for each of my children the day they are born to be given to them the day they turn 18.
40. Visit Shippensburg University with my children, and other colleges of their choice.
41. Learn how to create a budget for my household and become better at saving money.
42. Learn how to drive a stick shift.
43. Still be vibrant and active when I am over 60.
44. Take acting classes and possibly audition for a few shows.
I graduated from Barbizon Modeling school where I learned a lot about acting. I was told I was one of the best, they really wanted me to go to IMTA to be seen by scouts...but I didn't have 5 grand. Maybe I'll look around here and see if I can find some community theaters...I know there is one in Mechanicsburg.
45. Visit a dermatologist about my skin.
46. Design the most amazing nursery for each of my kids.
47. Go back to school for my masters either in ESL or Early Childhood.
48. Meet Billy Ray Cyrus.
I still can't believe I accomplished this. I've seen him in concert TWICE at the American Music Theater in Lancaster, once when I was around 20 I believe-FRONT row, and again with my sister just last year.
49. Publish my poetry.
I still can't believe I accomplished this one either. But thanks to Poetry.com, one of my poems is now published in a book. The book is titled Forever Spoken. It features many poems that were submitted, but still, I'm a published author!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000TK80P8/ref=cm_cr_rev_prod_title
^ Copy and paste this link into your URL to see the book on Amazon.com
50. Drive a classic antique car.
51. Go to a Nascar race with my Daddy.
52. Go on my Church's camping retreat.
Accomplished..oh the memories!! :)
53. Visit California.
54. Finally experience travel on a plane.
Accomplished when I flew to Florida and Washington.
55. Go to a movie premiere.
56. Go to a Coyote Ugly bar.
57.Visit New York City again.
58. See "The Blue Man Group" perform.
59. Attend and perform at an Open Mic Night.
60. Go to Austraila
61. See STOMP
62. Visit Florida again with Nick. He's never been on a Plane or to Disney World.
63. Go to the gym regularly
I start going, and then I always stop. Hopefully I can change that soon.
64. Develop my interests in photography
This is starting to be accomplished. I just want to take a few classes to expand on what I'm already good at and get a better camera.
65. Instill values, morals and respect in my children.
66. Succeed as a stay at home mom.
67. See the Ball Drop from Times Square in NY
68. Kiss in the rain
Accomplished.
69. Make snow angels with my children
70. Visit a talent agency
Barbizon Modeling and Talent Agency.
71. Be on a Game Show.
72. Visit Myrtle Beach
73. Try out for a show at York Little Theater
Accomplished. Tried out for Grease but didn't make the show due to the fact that I would miss a week of rehersals due to going to Florida as a Nanny.
74. Sing Karaoke at a bar.
Accomplished
75. Get one of those plaster of paris belly mold's done when I'm pregnant.
76. Work or volunteer with my church.
Accomplished several times over.
100. Be thankful for the time I have on this Earth and the things that I have.
Anyway because of her, and her blog, the arbor day foundation planted ten trees in honor of my lost little one. I looked down at todays date and for the umpteenth time realized it was the tenth. I don't like that number now...neither do I like the first for similar reasons...you can imagine the emotional confusion on my birthday. Anyway...I realize again its the 10th, which only means I'm FOUR months away from what was supposed to be my due date. Barf.
But realizing that, made me also realize that December is knowingly going to be hard for me. Even after my due date has come and gone, Christmas I will be a wreck thinking of all the things I should be doing with a newborn thats not here. Gosh that kills me.
I've been really emotional lately about all of this, and I'm not entirely sure why, only thing I can figure is just the stress of it all finally catching up with me. I made up my mind to do something about it. Hopefully, soon, I will be meeting with a...yikes, THERAPIST, to talk it out and see where my tears and anxiety keep stemming from. But within that big choice and change I made the realization that this new year will truly be a changing year for me. My due date will be behind me, my wedding will be months away and I really will be getting a fresh start. So in honor of this, I decided to dig up my old Bucket List, to see what I've accomplished and if anything needs edited or if my sentiments have changed...
Without further ado..."The List"
1. Graduate with high honors from Shippensburg University
Graduated, Suma Cum Laude, May 07
2. Get my own apartment after graduation, either by myself or with a friend that can help with expenses.
Accomplished three times over, now renting a condo with my Fiance! :)
3. Establish good credit.
Got to check it for free, everything I have is in the green!
4. Meet the man God has intended for me to spend my life with and marry him.
We're halfway there...I got engaged to the man I believe God chose for me on Valentines Day 2010. We will be married May 7, 2011. Less than Nine months from Now!!!
5. Become a kindergarten teacher.
Not yet, but I have subbed in Kindergarten and I hope to go back to subbing and maybe eventually find a teaching job after Nick and I are married, that way I have stable benefits. For now, I enjoy my job as a preschool teacher with Headstart. I am important. I pave the way FOR kindgergarten. I make sure they're ready.
6. Have a nice home with my husband that is all of my own interior design.
Not yet, but we do have a condo that my fiance and I have decorated. Eventually WE will have a home. So this one is in italics too so i see it needs done.
7. Lose weight and get in shape.
UGH, this is SUCH an ongoing battle. Everytime I lose weight, I gain it back again. And now after a pregnancy, its just that much harder...:(
8. Have my own garden in my backyard complete with lots of flowers, trees, a hammock and maybe even a pond.
9. Own two dogs.
I have one dog, named Lexi. She is an adoreable Chiuaua/Pomeranian/Jack Russel/Pug mix and I lover her to DEATH. I can't have her in my condo though. Someday, in our home. We will have two.
10. Join a Hip/Hop dance class
11. Have between 2-4 children.
This one stings. I consider myself a mother, but yet...I have no physical children to show for it. One day I will get my sticky rainbow baby(ies)...I swear I will.
12. Visit Ireland
13. Sing in front of my whole church.
It's amazing how much more confident I am with my singing and my voice. I really enjoy blessing people with my talent, although stage fright does occasionally take over. However this goal has been accomplished.
14. Take vocal lessons.
I almost did this...who knows maybe one day I still will.
15. Volunteer at a home for unwed mothers and their children.
I still want to volunteer at maybe a soup kitchen or women's shelter somewhere, but I'm not sure how to start that...maybe I'll look into it soon.
16. Learn to cook beyond the things I already know.
This is one of those goals, I'm not sure will ever be fully realized, only because the more I learn about cooking and baking, the more I want to know. I love it. I've gotten good, but could be better, so for now, I'm leaving this one italicized.
17. Pay off all my loans.
Ha...work in progress.
18. Get a Subaru WRX.
19. Be a good friend.
20. Visit the Butterfly Conservatory.
I think when I originally wrote this I meant the new one in Hershey? If its still there next year around peak season, I will go, and I WILL take my sister, my Mom and Hailey-Rose, and hopefully Melanie and Raelynn will be able to come too!
21. Volunteer in the NICU at the hospital.
York Hospital used to have a program where you could be a volunteer and come in and hold babies in the NICU- I think it was called touch therapy or something. But with stricter regulations now, moving to a new place and the baby loss, I'm not sure anymore that this one is possible.
22. Take a road trip.
23. Go to the Beach!
I honestly don't remember the last time I went to the beach. I can't wait to go sometime.
24. Visit Assateague Island
I've always wanted to see the wild ponies. This can work with the one above lol!
25. Go on a cruise to an island in the Carribean.
Honeymoon????
26. Set up a retirement fund.
27. Be the best mother I know how to be.
28. Pay my Mom back.
While I'm slowly working on paying my Mom back, she is one of the most giving and generous people I know. I'm not sure I'll ever completely be able to repay everything she's done for me. I love you Mom.
29. Impress everyone at my first high school reunion.
We didn't have a five year, so hopefully, I can do this at our ten year, in 2013.
30. Set up savings accounts to help my children go to college.
31. Be healthy and happy as much as possible.
Still workin on it...but tryin, none the less....
32. Start a journal of Praise to God thanking him each day.
33. Swim with Dolphins.
34. Be a great wife.
35. Go on a hot air balloon ride.
36. Adopt a child from overseas.
37. Write more.
I think I've got a pretty good start with this blog...we shall see what happens!
38. Create a scrapbook documenting my life that I am proud of.
39. Start a scrapbook for each of my children the day they are born to be given to them the day they turn 18.
40. Visit Shippensburg University with my children, and other colleges of their choice.
41. Learn how to create a budget for my household and become better at saving money.
42. Learn how to drive a stick shift.
43. Still be vibrant and active when I am over 60.
44. Take acting classes and possibly audition for a few shows.
I graduated from Barbizon Modeling school where I learned a lot about acting. I was told I was one of the best, they really wanted me to go to IMTA to be seen by scouts...but I didn't have 5 grand. Maybe I'll look around here and see if I can find some community theaters...I know there is one in Mechanicsburg.
45. Visit a dermatologist about my skin.
46. Design the most amazing nursery for each of my kids.
47. Go back to school for my masters either in ESL or Early Childhood.
48. Meet Billy Ray Cyrus.
I still can't believe I accomplished this. I've seen him in concert TWICE at the American Music Theater in Lancaster, once when I was around 20 I believe-FRONT row, and again with my sister just last year.
49. Publish my poetry.
I still can't believe I accomplished this one either. But thanks to Poetry.com, one of my poems is now published in a book. The book is titled Forever Spoken. It features many poems that were submitted, but still, I'm a published author!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000TK80P8/ref=cm_cr_rev_prod_title
^ Copy and paste this link into your URL to see the book on Amazon.com
50. Drive a classic antique car.
51. Go to a Nascar race with my Daddy.
52. Go on my Church's camping retreat.
Accomplished..oh the memories!! :)
53. Visit California.
54. Finally experience travel on a plane.
Accomplished when I flew to Florida and Washington.
55. Go to a movie premiere.
56. Go to a Coyote Ugly bar.
57.Visit New York City again.
58. See "The Blue Man Group" perform.
59. Attend and perform at an Open Mic Night.
60. Go to Austraila
61. See STOMP
62. Visit Florida again with Nick. He's never been on a Plane or to Disney World.
63. Go to the gym regularly
I start going, and then I always stop. Hopefully I can change that soon.
64. Develop my interests in photography
This is starting to be accomplished. I just want to take a few classes to expand on what I'm already good at and get a better camera.
65. Instill values, morals and respect in my children.
66. Succeed as a stay at home mom.
67. See the Ball Drop from Times Square in NY
68. Kiss in the rain
Accomplished.
69. Make snow angels with my children
70. Visit a talent agency
Barbizon Modeling and Talent Agency.
71. Be on a Game Show.
72. Visit Myrtle Beach
73. Try out for a show at York Little Theater
Accomplished. Tried out for Grease but didn't make the show due to the fact that I would miss a week of rehersals due to going to Florida as a Nanny.
74. Sing Karaoke at a bar.
Accomplished
75. Get one of those plaster of paris belly mold's done when I'm pregnant.
76. Work or volunteer with my church.
Accomplished several times over.
100. Be thankful for the time I have on this Earth and the things that I have.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Suscribe
Posts
All Comments