Black Ice, One of My Favorite Poems, Written in June 2006

Black Ice
Preacher man talks about anxiety, hate and fear

I feel like a fake and try to hide my tears

It doesn't seem to matter now that my smile is rarely real

I don't know if anyone could ever understand how I feel

The tears I cry are pointless but help to ease the pain

They fall down my cheeks somberly like early morning rain

I crave to have back my childhood but in a different light

Never did I ever win my father's fight

The bruises are long gone now, but forever scarred is my heart

My dreams and my reality harshly ripped apart

Its hard to forget times like those, especially now as I put up my guard

You see no one can climb these walls, and even if they did they wouldn't get far

Forget the past, everyone says, move on with your life

I've tried and at times I've succeeded and I'm still holding on tight

Holding tight to the notion, that somehow I'll survive

Trying desperately not to let anyone catch me living the lie

I love God and I trust Him, but I'm scared its not enough

Not even I can seem to breach those walls I've built so tough

Only today did I realize that I have been doing this to myself

But how do I put all this hurt away, like some old toy upon a shelf

My fearful tears consume me, and bottled rage comes out

I want to hurt everyone that has ever hurt me...I want to kick and scream and shout

I'm so sick of not knowing what my life may bring, and having issues with control

All I know is all my hiding has started to take its toll


I'm not some poor man's Sandra Dee or some stupid Goody Two Shoes

But why is it up to me to have to chose

Can't anyone be happy with the person that is all of me

One part angel, one part devil and a little of something in between

The words flow from me like a long dried up fountain

I will stay quiet no longer and I will rise again

Is it true that I'm afraid I'll never be good enough, even for the most high God

Is it true that I've held on to all of this because I'm afraid to break down the facade

I'm admist all this confusion and I don't know what to do

The worst is feeling like I have no one to turn to

No one wants to hear this story over and over like a worn out record


I just need to cry and I need to be held

But I won't, I'll hold it all in and my heart, once that of an innocent child

Is slowly freezing, nothing more than black ice waiting to shatter

I'm beginning to think I can't do anything right, but what does it matter

Attention world, society and all shameless guys...tonight we're serving Lindsey on a platter

I've been the friend, and the fun fling, and I've even been the other woman, a freaking lifetime special in the making

I'm never good enough for more than just some mindless conversation, but wait, my body apparently thats yours for the taking

No one will ever hurt me like that again, of that I'm sure

It is my solemn vow to somehow in this den of iniquity we call the world, to remain pure


I struggle every day to regain control in any way possible, and sometimes I do

The access to my heart and mind is given only to a chosen few

Until now I had decided to stay quiet and let the world keep going with me on its chopping block

Somehow, someway, it has to stop

Innocence-Written May 2006

Innocence

We don't see shapes in clouds anymore

It's not as fun by yourself on the dance floor

We disgrace the name of love in the name of lust

We push and we pull and get left in the dust

What is the pain and the struggle really all for
Looking for love on every distant shore

It's not worth the tears, forget all your pain

You've forgotten what its like to feel

Why did holding hands become such a chore

It's not just about love anymore

Love has lost its innocence

Hearts are slowly slipping away

What is your choice today?

A Slightly Misshapen Destiny- Written January 19, 2006

A Slightly Mishapen Destiny

We all travel the road of life at such a fast pace
Memories created, friendships fading

Everyone in contest to win "the race"

Early years filled with such promise and imagination

Middle years its all angst and everythings jaded

Where did your importance lie?

Was it really worth it to make that shy girl cry?

You think you know what love is and why its important

But that's just it, you DON'T get it

Highschool: Life's biggest popularity contest

Walking through the halls as every peer passes judgement

So much so that everyone is nothing but an outer shell

Those masks you all wear they have no story to tell!

Think about it, where you could be right now

Just by looking deeper, past the superficial

There comes a time when you have to REFUSE to sell out

Of course not every day is bad, and you make some great friends

But all too often thats where the story ends

We graduate and move away...promising to speak soon or meet another day

Granted for a select few thats true, for others its so only on the holidays

But those friends that you broke hearts, lied and cheated for?

What was it all worth to be adored?

College you think your time has finally come for that second chance

Its the promise land filled with new hopes, and new people to answer to

You can become that person you've always wanted to be

Because after all these are supposed to be the best years of your lives

Take that step up, and start to thrive

I know what its like though, eventually things change

And you wonder why you ever tried in the first place

Watch out your window, as those party girls leave yet again

While you sit up till all hours of the night struggling to finish everything

You could sell out, drink away the pain, find love in all the wrong places

Isn't it better to be alone than to have to become that fake person

The one who sleeps with all the guys just to feel special

Push your worries aside, no more wondering why,

College is the opportunity of a lifetime!

The friends we make, they are supposed to last forever!

Whether they actually will or not, we'll have to see

There's no telling whats in store for me

Most of all I wish that people would just stop competing in this silly race

Take a second, reflect on where they're going and how they got there in the first place






(C)2006 Lindsey Rae

Hate doing the whole, shoulda coulda, woulda thing...

So there was yet another Facebook pregnancy post here lately...I can't deal. I want to dissapear. I was doing so well, for sooo long, and now for some reason I keep running across triggers. I miss my baby. I should be 22 FREAKIN WEEKS right now. But I'm not. I have an empty uterus and an empty heart. Ugh. 

I can't wait to try again, but know that its not a logical choice until after we get married due to the timing of it all.

On top of that I found out my triglyceride levels are high and my good cholesterol levels are low...FRIGGIN great.

I'm so not in the mood right now for any drama or craziness and I swear if I get on fb today and theres more posts about preggos, I might just put a hold on my account.  I have a feeling this is going to get worse as my due date keeps looming closer...I really do.   Maybe once it passes I can take a breath and start feeling normal again...I can only hope.

I'm not usually so depressing and negative, really. Just having a hard time dealing with things right now.

Hello, Readers! Welcome post, sorry its long.

Welcome to my blog!

This will be my place to vent, to grieve, to process and to share the daily happenings of my life.  I will also post positive things. Hopefully I hope to eventually post my photography, recipes, writings, etc. I hope to gain some sort of following eventually. For now, I'd like to tell you a bit about myself.

I'm 25 years old, and I live in PA with my gorgeous fiance.
I work as a preschool teacher full time.
I love my job, my interactions with the little ones and their families, and the fact that I have summers off! ;)

My fiance, Nick, is a part time EMT and full time Paramedic. I am VERY lucky to have found someone willing to work hard for us so that we can live.
We aren't rich, but we aren't poor either and we try to have a date night at least once a month.

We got engaged on Valentine's Day 2010 and as of todays date,we have been dating over 20 months.

My Mom is my best friend, and I have a few other best friends that make livin this crazy life possible.

I will always be my Daddy's babygirl, and right now things are not easy for us as he was in a horrible motorcycle accident in NJ on Father's Day.   But, he is here, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I love my family VERY much. They mean more to me than anything.

I have a gorgeous sister, who is married. She has a baby girl named Hailey-Rose, that I love and spoil to pieces. I'm an Aunt though, I'm allowed. That girl makes me smile, no matter the circumstances. She really adds life to my life...if that makes sense.

I enjoy reading, writing, singing, acting and talking on the phone. I love social networking sites but I hate that our connections between people have turned sooo technological. Now instead of receiving phone calls on my birthday, I get wall posts...but guess I can't complain. It does make thing easier.

I write poetry, and will probably be posting some old stuff on here to clear out my myspace, which I never access, later on. 

Nick and I have been through a lot in our time together, but the past few months have changed my very being.  But more on that in a later post.

Welcome, thanks for reading.

< <3 >

Today, I am 25.

Today, I am 25.
Today, I am a fiance.
Today, I am a daughter.
Today, I am a friend.
Today, I am a Mother.

Today marks 3 months since I lost the baby. A little hard to be celebrating a birthday when you're morning a loss like this. But I'm going to try. Man, I miss my baby.

I have an actual FOLLOWER! Woot.

Thanks Shannon! Maybe I'll actually attempt to post more often now. I really want to I just hate the way my blog looks stylistically and it annoys me everytime I log on. I want to redo it but I can't make it look as pretty as everyone elses. One of the days, I will redo it and blog actively. I promise. :P